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Correspondence

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Greetings and welcome to the official website of The Ken Socrates World News Organization, a group of dedicated, passionate journalists committed
to bringing uniquely relevant news and information to the discriminating reader. Through the leadership and inspiration of our legendary founder we strive on a daily basis to bring you, the dirty, simple peasants of the world, the one thing you have truly earned throughout the endless, demoralizing toil of your empty, meaningless little lives...The Truth. We're here for you. We will never fail you.



Feature:

Answers From The Mouth Of HellMore Answers In The Dark
You asked for it. You begged for it. You sent in your questions by the truckload, little knowing the terrors you would unleash with your ignorance. Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker has heard your pleas and responded once again. Ready or not, here are your Answers.


Mailbag:

She's Back!A Love Letter From Hildy
The last time we heard from Ken's violent, psychotically posessive ex-wife Hildy Volstagg was shortly after her sabotage of his 2005 Antarctic Expedition when she somehow infected all three of the team's scientists with gonorrhea before departure. Now she's back.


The Arts:

Aloofness is a virtue.Stamford Buckforth Pimplton III
Blazing a trail alight with sophisticated wit and social dignity from the academic spawning grounds of Portsmouth, Ohio to the soiled intellectual netherworld of New York, we bring you our new Arts & Entertainment critic, renowned and respected thinker Stamford Buckforth Pimplton III. Stamford's cible du jour? Le Tube du Boob.


Etiquette:

Cow Worrying By A True Professional.Mr. Manners With Dwight Cooter
It's common knowlege that Ken Socrates is always trying to help educate the dirt-kicking mouth breathers that populate most areas of America outside the borders of Massachusetts. To that end, we've employed a man skilled at speaking their language, such as it is. He's Dwight Cooter, folks, and he's gonna learn 'em real good.


Announcement:

Titans Together!Dream Team Assemble!
It's a call to arms, a cry for anarchy, a heraldic announcement of impending revolution. The KSWNO has now assembled together a collection of truly fearsome minds, the likes of which the Earth has never seen. Did you hear that, internets? Prepare to be pwned.


Sports:

Todd Bertuzzi: Goon Gone WildThe Bertuzzi Incident
The Ken Socrates World News Organization would like to proudly and formally introduce the new head writer of our Sports Dept., Chippy McGuinness. A girl who's gloves are always off, she's got more balls than most guys we know and a savage bloodlust for Old Time Hockey in all it's glory. Check out her stuff here.

Bonus:

Chippy's Ten Most Memorable Hockey Moments




Promotion:

Let The Bitch Go!Free Ken T-Shirts Now Available
Inspired by Ken's most recent stint behind bars, our hard-working promotions department has decided to meet the ongoing demand for Ken Logo Apparel with a new t-shirt designed to be both fashionable and functional; likely to come in handy 6-8 times a year. Get yours.


Contest:

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of MockeryThe 2008 Ken Socrates Like-A-Look Contest
It's time once again to encourage rampant public humiliation of our loyal readership in the name of publicity as we begin our annual Ken Socrates Like-A-Look Contest for 2008. The barrage of early entries heralds another big year for worldwide fur hat and sunglasses sales.


History:

Ramses II: This Time It's PersonalImmigration Issues Plague Egypt
This just in from the twin desks of Joe Hawaii and Gaylord "Ra" Fondue, a torrid, relevatory article originating from the arid sand dunes and ancient ruins of Northeast Alabama that manages to once again unwrap mummified facts in the face of public denial.


In The News:


You lookin' at me? Of course you are, I'm on television.Meteorologist Goes Travis Bickle
Harvey Bozelle, popular Weatherman on WHDT TV Indianapolis, surprised viewers and station management alike Thursday night when he went live on air with a mohawk and delivered a grim, scathing rant that began, "Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads..."

Full story.

Other Headlines:

  • U.S. Air Force Bombs Baltimore LARP, "Darkon" A Smoking Ruin

  • ABC's Caveman Sitcom Mercifully Euthenised By Writer's Strike




Book Review:

The Man Upstairs says Read This!1-800-CALL GOD by Brad Heath
Every once in a while a book or an author comes along that demands that we stand up and take notice. Last time it was Daphne Zuniga's compelling autobiography, Spaceballs, Scientology and My Mom, The Whore. This time it's even better. Check out 1-800-CALL GOD.



Special Notice:

Does this look like a man who is easily killed, you bastards?Darkfaulker Down But Never Out
Word has reached our offices today that ever stalwart comrade-in-arms Horatio Von Darkfaulker has temporarily fallen victim to a mysterious illness of unknown origin. Join us as we offer our support for a full recovery and plot our revenge on the fuckers behind this.



Field Report:

The Randy Freak Of Boggy Creek
Old friend and Earth's leading Paracryptozoologist Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker reports from Fouke, Arkansas where he and loyal assistant Fong Qui Fang have discovered the harrowing truth about the legendary giant hominid that has been stalking the local terrain and improperly interfering with resident livestock. The tale.








© Ken Socrates 2008. All rights reserved.




He Writes Long Form, Too.
And We Don't Mean Sausages