The 2008 Ken Socrates
Like-A-Look Contest

Winter, 2008 - The seventeenth annual Ken Socrates Like-A-Look Contest has gotten underway with a flurry of entrance applications, each submission weirder and more depraved than the last which, as you all know, is exactly how we like it around here. Here are a few of the early contenders, competing this year for an all expenses paid vacation for two with Ken to Ibiza, where he and legendary french softcore director Armande Colliquelleur will be collaborating on a script for Naked In Ibiza 2, sequel to the 1983 release Naked In Ibiza.

Weldon McGannett, Paignton - A part-time roofer and devotee
of the art of baudy ventriliquism, Walter claims that reading Ken Socrates helps get him through an otherwise frustrating and confrontational existence dwelling intermittently in the nether realms of pornographic puppetry. An early staff favourite here.

Gwendoline Azaria, Sacramento - This former Wiccan Priestess takes her Socratic devotion seriously. Currently the record holder for most harrassing e-mails to Ken in a single day with a stunning total of 834, she spends most of her time, when not typing away at the keyboard, caring for orphaned lizards, snakes and bullfrogs.

Bruce Donjohnson, Vancouver - His pro Motocross career cut tragically short when his dreadlocks got caught in the rear spokes of his bike at the 2004 Alabama State Championship Series,
he quickly turned to a life of petty crime and internet dating, the resulting depravity of which led him, naturally, to Ken Socrates.

Brody Schnaphe, Des Moines - Self-proclaimed Mensa watch- dog, Brody is the kind of reader Ken Socrates exists to serve. Fanatically intellectual, unashamedly opinionated and completely out of his fucking tits. Frankly, if we had a dozen or so of this guy, there's no obstacle, real or surreal, we couldn't overcome. Slainte.

Kip "Slappy" Bradstreet, Singapore - You have to admire Kip for his persistance. Seventeen straight years he's entered this and not a hint of doubt in his mind that "This Will Be The Year" despite fin- ishing dead last in every bloody one of them so far. "I am Ken." he scribbles to us in crayon. "Ken is Me." Bless his stunted little brain.

Captain Blunthead, Megalopolis - No one knows his true identity but the fact remains that the slums and back alleys of Megalopolis have never been safer thanks to his ongoing vigilance and the shocking, gratuitous violence of his unprovoked attacks on random citizens. Credits Ken with helping cure a long-standing E.D. issue.

Roberto Del Mentos, Barcelona - A man who enjoys smashing stereotypes and paint huffing, Roberto is renowned as Spain's fore- most parapalegic "stand-up" comedian. When not riffing on life in a wheelchair, he's scouring Ken's site to find and record every typo in an extensively detailed log he keeps next to his colostomy bag.

Frenchy - Along with the distinction of being named World's Most Foul-Mouthed Parrot, Frenchy also boasts an I.Q. of 67 which, while below mental retardation level for humans, isn't half-bad in avian circles. A lifetime of having his cage lined with Ken Socrates articles has led to an unnatural attachment to the man's image.

Abraham Von Patsy, Leeds - When the emotional baggage of his full time job as a Visiting Nurse for the morbidly obese becomes too much for him, Abe finds solace in his role as lead guitarist in the Black Sabbath cover band Fudge Factory. Likely intends to use this contest as a way of getting close enough to Ken to kill him.

Callie Frontenegra, Shreveport - A moderately successful author of children's literature as creator of The Mudgrubs and Pork Town franchises, Callie reads Ken Socrates to reconnect with reality. As of this writing, still fighting the restraining order Anne McCaffrey has against her, hopeful on the prospects of future reconciliation.

Ville-Veikko Groop, Helsinki - When his career as head product taster at Finlandia Vodka was ended by adult onset Tourettes, Vee-Vee, as he's called, made a failed attempt to fulfill his dream of becoming Björn Borg's personal masseuse. Currently a caddy at a miniature golf course near Espoo, he refers to Ken as "Daddy".

Melisandre Wolski, Providence - A legendary figure in the Rhode Island peformance art scene, she's known most notably for her one woman stage play Platypus Amok and her incendiary nightly pirate radio broadcasts. The daughter of renowned crime boss Yan "Left Leg" Wolski, her "interest" in Ken makes us all very nervous.

Prospective Contestants:

Please feel free to contact Ken at the DAC or here. Should you win, you will be contractually bound to spend 6-14 glorious days following the 2008 Cannes Film Festival in the soothing Mediterrainean sunshine aboard the private luxury yacht Emmanuelle in the company of your favorite globe trotting journalist and adventurer and an assortment of his unsavory filmworld aquaintances as they cruise to Ibiza and other islands in search of artistic and spiritual inspiration.

Contest Rules available upon request. Entries limited to persons of legal drinking age only. Which is, like, 14 or something in over there. Whatever. Four entries per household, please. Application fee of $29.99 U.S. to be included with all entries. Cash or money order only.

© Ken Socrates 2008. All rights reserved.