Alan Alda Transcendent

Veteran television and film actor Alan Alda has transmogrified into a hyper-spatial, cosmic man god with unlimited psionic powers that make him interdimensionally omniscient. From his diamond palace on the sentient biomechanical moon, named Prometheon, that he has created and set into orbit around a neutron star a few light years past Epsilon Eri he has promised to be a guide to humanity and other primitive races in the galaxy who are attempting to develop beyond their technological and spiritual infancy. It is likely that he will also attempt harmonic commune with the mutiverse, using his vast, near-omnipotent consciousness to interweave his newfound macro-energistic existence with reality at a neuro-quantum level, thus helping define a new, more user friendly version of space/time. "One with a bit more of a cracker-jack wit and an irresistable, devilish grin," he says. It appears that in his new state, all of that and more will be possible.

The actor's uber-evolution occurred during the filming of the PBS show Scientific American Frontiers, which he has now hosted for 10 years, and was captured on tape by his astonished co-workers. It remains unclear as to what actually triggered the transmutation of Alda's flesh into dynamic physio-photonic energy surrounded by a neo-protonic, megadimensional membrane of pure hyperthought. Wally Gomes was the sound-man on the shoot, "Well, he just sort of got this look on his face, sort of like he might have sharted or something and then he looked like he was totally high and I thought, "Oh, shit, here we go. Alda has finally gone tunes on us." Others report that a powder blue radiance enveloped the set and a sound like angels singing in the distance could be heard, sending them all into a transcendental fugue state. When the group returned to standard levels of perception thay became aware of a nude Alda, now an intermittently transparent prismatic source of awe-inspiring radience, smiling with messianic beatitude and rising slowly through the seeming insubstantial matter of the building's ceiling, ascending heavenward.

It has since been learned that the amiable actor, in his new form, quickly absorbed vast quantities of solar plasma as he rose above the Thermosphere, all the while downloading the secret blueprints of our universe via the connection between his expandic cosmic consciousness and the living quantum synapses of sub-reality. He constructed Prometheon out of pure diamond with a thought and, almost as a whim, bestowed sentience to the globular crystalline matrix that made up the planetoid. He also assembled a palace the size of a mountain that rose out of the moon's surface with complex, entwined spires that seemingly reached out to touch the stars themselves, in which he erected a monolithic throne, gleaming with the brilliance of a billion, radiant facets, on which he would sit to contemplate all existence. Loretta Swit was not surprised by the development, "Isn't that just like Alan, though? I love the prick but he's got an ego you could go base jumping off of."

Alda, now transformed into a ethereal glowing blue humanoid figure made of ionic cloud material and with the ultimate ability to manipulate his physical and spiritual essence at will, has chosen to retain the visual appearence of naked, light blue "Hawkey" Pierce, his most famous role in the popular televison series M.A.S.H. "People will always remember Hawkeye," he intones, an a resounding, ominous tone that seems to reverberate through the listener at some profound sub-frequency. "They will always remember how he made them laugh. Thus, in this shape, I will not be feared but loved when I walk amongst you. I have spoken."