Dr. Darkfaulker,

I'm pretty sure my house is haunted. There's at least two creatures in my house. And I think they are slowly killing my parents in their sleep. I found out about this about 3 weeks ago, when I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water. My parent's bedroom door was closed and there was these horrible moaning noises and yells. I tried to get in, but the door was locked. I camped out in front of the door all night, too frightened to do anything. I wanted to scream and warn my parents, but I was afraid of attracting the creatures' attentions. I passed out eventually. The next morning, my parents left the room and they seemed completely normal. I asked them what had gone on last night and they had no idea what I was talking about. This has happened at least 5 more times. What sort of creatures would do this sort of thing? I'm leaning towards ghosts, but I thought it would be a safer idea to consult a professional. And what would be the best method of getting rid of these horrible beasts? My dad is an avid gun collector, so I do have access to some pretty powerful weapons.

Scared but prepared,

Mikey, 11 years

P.S. Your previous help regarding my grandmother was very productive! As you said, the only way to kill a witch is with fire. Well, I didn't succeed in killing her, but she doesn't want me coming over anymore. Success!

Glad I could help out with that pesky witch problem you were having, Mikey. There’s nothing worse than having to give Grandma sugars when you know the old hag just wants to get close enough to suck the life essence out of your shrieking immortal soul.

Life-Sucking Grandma -Don’t get too close Mikey!

Regarding you current troubles, though, I’m afraid you must leave your parents to their fate. There’s no help for it lad.

You see, Mikey, when people reach a certain age they begin to wrestle with the darkness…long, strenuous bouts of sweaty wrestling and writhing about during those dark, sultry nights when the very sheets seem alive in the bed… Believe me, the best thing you can do is to let them have at it and try to stay out of their way. It likely takes both of their combined efforts to hold the insidious Forces Of Darkness at bay, and even the slightest distraction could prove fatal.

To drown out the sounds of the deadly melee raging down the hallway, try sleeping with a fan on, or leave a good Tool CD playing. That’s what I do. Keeps the boogers away every time.

Tool Music -Keeps The Boogers Away

And don’t worry, Mikey, your parent’s battle with the Darkness will wind down after a few years, I guarantee it. Then it’ll come after you.

Hang in there, buckaroo.

Uh Oh…

“Doctor,”

My son recently tried to set fire to his Grandmother while visiting her in her home. When questioned about his deplorable behavior he claimed he was merely following your advice. We later searched his room and discovered clippings of your advice column wedged into a book called the Malleus Malificarum, a book we later came to understand has to do with the torturing of witches, (the clippings were placed in the “Trial By Fire,” section.)

Fortunately, my mother only suffered minor 2nd degree burns and is expected to make a full recovery. Still, my wife and I are both shocked and horrified by our son’s behavior and we find it clearly obvious that you have had a hand in this.

I wanted to take this opportunity before our attorneys contact you to inform you that we would be willing to consider an out of court settlement to cover my dear Mother’s medical expenses and mental suffering.

We hope to hear from you soon, Doctor, or, I assure you; there will be a hearing.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Mikey’s Father

Doctor Von Darkfaulker,

I am desperate for your council and I pray you can help me before it’s too late. I work at MacDonald’s as Assistant Lead Fryer over the French Frying Area, and the other day, while reprimanding a new associate for Ignoring The Beep That Indicates Fries Are Done, (employee infraction # 72-B in the Employee Handbook,) I noticed something odd about the shadow she cast: it wasn’t there. She also forgot to put special sauce on Two Big Macs while working in the Big Mac Assembly Station earlier that same day.

I reported her lapses in Big Mac Procedure and her failure to cast a shadow to the Manager On Duty, but nothing came of it, (which doesn’t surprise me because I’m constantly reporting the morning shifters for eating the leftover sausage biscuits when they think no one is looking, and nothing ever gets done about that, either.)

But I haven’t gotten to the weirdest part yet, Doctor.

Shortly after the new associate was hired on, three people who work at the restaurant have stopped showing up for their shifts without calling in, (a Fireable Offense according to the Employee Handbook.) They have not been heard from since. I think the new associate has something to do with the missing workers because one day she went out to sweep the parking lot and I saw her turn into a ball of blue flame and fly away. I told the Manager On Duty what I saw, but she told me to mind the French fries and leave her alone or she would write me up.

My first inclination was to call Corporate Office, as the incident happened on company property, but I thought I would run it by you first because I have been put on probation in the past for calling Corporate Office too much and have been limited to three Corporate Office calls per week, (I’d hate to waste a call when there are many other Rules Being Broken that my superiors need to be made aware of.)

Please let me know what I should do.

Brock B. Alzeburger

Baton Rouge

Well, ‘Bork,’ first thing I want you to do is stop Running Off At The Mouth about all them juicy sausage biscuits the morning shifters are eating. You think that fucking clown Ronald MacDonald can’t afford a little handout now and then?

Ronald MacDonald –Fucking Clown

Or maybe you feel cheated because you don’t get to eat some of that free morning goodness. Well, maybe if you weren’t such a brown-nosing tattletale they’d include you in on the take. Stop being a Ratfink Bastard and grab yourself a Sausage Biscuit, Son.

Stolen Sausage Biscuit -Best Medicine For A Ratfink Bastard

…Listen, I’m going to level with you. I have a feeling in my gut that it’s probably too late for you, Bork. Not because of any supernatural threat, I could deal with that part of your problem readily enough. But I’m afraid once one has fallen prey to the dangers of being a pathetic, Judas loving nutclucker, like you so obviously are, there is often no turning back. However, I am a great believer in the Second Chance, and that’s why I’m going to save your worthless ass.

But for a price.

After I help you out of this present jam, I want you to write me a story about how Bork Is Learning Not To Be A Ratfink Asshole. In fact, that’s what we’ll call it, and I want you to write it in 500-word installments, one installment per week for the next three months. I’m warning you, Bork, I am going to check your work most closely for grammatical errors, proper punctuation and meaningful content. Do not let me down or I’ll have to figure out some other way for you to settle up. The last thing you want is for me to get creative. Bork.

Now, it’s quite obvious to an adept such as myself that this peculiar new associate you are working with is a type of Skin Walker, a Loogaroo to be exact, and it’s deadly dangerous. Down right perilous, even.

In the supernatural world, Creatures of Darkness tend to breed true, that is, vampires beget vampires, werewolves beget werewolves, and so forth. But every now and then, the lines get crossed up. The Loogaroo is the result of one such unholy union. It is a hybrid between an obscure demon out of Africa and a European Werewolf, (the word Loogaroo is a corruption of the French word Loup Garu, meaning werewolf.)

The Loogaroo is extremely powerful, capable of shedding its skin and turning into a blue ball of crackling flame, (among other forms- it possesses some of the shape shifting attributes of a Lycanthrope,) but it only does so on the 7th, 13th and 17tht of each month, when it is driven by unnatural hunger to roam the night questing after human blood. The rest of the time, when provoked or threatened, it will sprout turkey wings and shoot fire out of it’s arm pits and anus, an effect that enables these feral flatulent fiends to propel themselves at high velocity toward whatever happens to be stupid enough to go messing with them.

Pissed Off Loogaroo

The Loogaroo is completely impervious to religious icons, eats garlic, snorts fire, laughs at silver bullets, gargles holy water like…water... but it has a weakness. Two, actually, and they are real doozys.

The first, and most important, are these: Frogs. Toss a frog at a Loogaroo and that thing’ll shit fire trying to get away from you. And escape it will, unless you have the foresight and knowledge to exploit the creature’s other great weakness, which is, ridiculously, this: All Loogaroos are hopelessly compulsive counters. Especially when it comes to grains of rice. They can’t help themselves. A Loogaroo will stop and count every single grain of rice it finds, no matter how many is in a pile. Proven fact.

So here’s what you do. Throw a handful of rice at her feet, and while she is busy counting, you must continually pelt her with frogs until she is dead, or, more accurately, no longer undead. Throw those amphibians gently, Bork! The frog must be alive in order to suck up the demon’s infernal essence with its flicking tongue. Shouldn’t take more than four or five frogs to do the trick, but don’t forget the rice. If you let the thing get away it will be back, and there is only one thing in this world worse than a pissed off Loogaroo.

One thing. Now, I want you to get to work on this week’s installment of that story we talked about. I look forward to our future literary correspondence, and I advise you to be punctual in the completion of the task I have set before you.

Lest you find out first hand what is worse than a pissed off Loogaroo.

Bork.

Why do we have to have the answers in the DARK??? My eyes aren't so good anymore. Light is good.

Motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.”

Carla Keenseer

San Diego California

Online Member of the Forum Garden.

Wonderful motto to live by, Carla. I Love the way you think.

But why do we look for Answers in the dark? Why not? You know there’s got to be some there.

Tell you what though. You ask a fair enough question. How about we light a candle and I’ll recite for you an Answer.

Candlelit Shadows Appear On The Wall

And Beckon Me

Beyond The Locked Door At The End Of The Hall

Someone Turns The Key...

Outside The Wind Howls In Rage
We Turn The Book Another Page
Echoed Whispers Calling Us Home

Beyond The Veil
Where Wild Things Roam
The Storming Night Unleashes The Soul

Hidden Within

Nectar We Swallow Sweet From The Bowl

And Our Journey Begins

On Wings of Dreams We Ride The Night
And See The World Through Second Sight
Echoed Whispers Calling Us Home
Beyond The Veil
Where Wild Things Roam


-Horatio Von Darkfaulker

Wild things are meant to soar aloft the ethers of the night, Carla, and if we run into anything wilder than us, I am going to shoot it with a tranquilizer dart gun.

Oh, there’s much to be said about the daytime world. Sand volleyball, for example, would be fiendishly difficult in the dark. But answers? I give them to you in the dark so no one can see the look on my face when I say the things I say.

It’s hard to be spooky with this shit-eating grin on my face.

Thank you for reading.

Aaaah, Darkfaulker!!!

The Call of Cthulhu resonates from beyond the sweaty everyday of our waking hours. Slimy tentacles unfurl in the deepest recesses of our sleeping souls and remind us of what our waking minds have forgotten: THE DARK PRECURSORS OF GODS WHO EXISTED LOOOONG BEFORE!!!!!

Bwahahahahahahahaha

Clodhopper

Warrior-Poet of the Secret Sacred Cult of Cthulhu

Online Member of the Forum Garden.

“…and if we run into anything wilder than us I am going to shoot it with a tranquilizer dart gun…”

- Horatio Von Darkfaulker

Dr. Darkfaulker,

I have a question. Purely hypothetical, mind you, but important nonetheless, I think. Actually, it's not even my question. A friend of mine, named Kevin, suggested it.

So, say you picked up a nasty Voodoo Curse and you needed to get rid of it fast, how would you go about it? Say you picked it up, oh, I dunno, at a visit to a home for wayward young ladies in a shanty seaside town in the Gulf of Mexico. Say it was placed on you by one of the aforementioned wayward young ladies after a particularly intense argument about a business transaction. Say the Curse involves a lot of itching, burning, redness and unidentifiable seepage. Say every visit to the men's room is now 90 seconds of pure screaming, convulsive hell.

How could you get rid of that sort of thing?

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Hexed By Ho

In Mexico

Lets not beat around the bush here, friend. There’s nothing hypothetical about this. Kevin is in trouble and the time to act is now.

I feel the need to answer your query immediately, however, this is going to take some serious research on my part, possibly weeks. In the meantime, purely as a stopgap measure, you must alleviate Kevin’s little weewee problem, (please note I am in no way speaking in terms of enlargement here. He will have to live with his current stature or unfortunate lack thereof. Like a wise healer once told me, "I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker!")

“I’m a doctor not a miracle worker!” -Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy

First you need to prepare yourself for a scuffle. I’m afraid some tough love may be in order here.

Secondly, you must grab Kevin when he is not looking, wrestle him down and insert a 48 French catheter into the problem area. Be warned, he will fight you on this, so you might want to recruit help, and don’t let his insipid mewling and desperate cries for mercy dissuade you. It’s for his own damned good.

Next, you must apply topical analgesic around his genitals. Anything with a strong mentholatum content will do, but Icy Hot works best.

Icy Hot works on Voodoo!

In terms of how much to apply, let copious be your watchword. Trust me, this will make him forget all about that nasty voodoo curse for a while. Of course, he will try to wipe it off, so you will likely have to bind his hands during and after the procedure, and leave him bound until I can come up with a more permanent solution. There’s no help for it. If his screams grow too loud, you may find it necessary to gag him. Use your judgment.

Be sure to tell him I am on the case and will do my utmost to find a cure, but he will simply have to wait until I find a break in my schedule. (This is the flu season, you know.)

Water and feed him regularly, but remember to remove the gag when doing so.

Check back with me in a week and give me an update on his condition.

Glad I could help, chum.

Dr. Von Darkfaulker,

You have claimed in many of your exploits to possess strange mental powers of an otherworldly nature, (telepathy and so forth.) If this is true, then surely you wouldn’t mind a small demonstration of your abilities: I am holding an object in my pocket. What is it?

Nellodee Stormburger

-Not Believing In Bavaria

Online Member of the DAC.

I hope that’s a roll of coins…

Previously Answered Questions:

To Whom It May Concern;

According to Wikipedia, "In Western medieval legend, a succubus (plural succubi) or succuba (plural succubae) is a demon who takes the form of a beautiful woman to seduce men (especially monks) in dreams to have sexual intercourse. They draw energy from the men to sustain themselves, often until the point of exhaustion or death of the victim."

So, um, how would one go about attracting one of those? Hypothetically speaking, of course.

In Admiration,

Lonely in the Land of the Lama

Normally I would steer one away from such demonic lore. Many brave and horny men have lost their immortal souls to these evil preternatural creatures and it’s easy to see why. What’s a soul for if not to get a man laid, right?

Nevertheless, it’s really not a good idea to look to the feral legions of hell to find romance. That’s looking for love in all the wrong places, plain and simple. There are plenty of females in our own world if one knows where to look. Nightclubs, churches or Nevada for instance. Mamma Von Darkfaulker used to say “It’s best to leave Hell enough alone,” and she was right, too.

Momma Von Darkfaulker

However, since we are speaking hypothetically, I will tell you the best way to go about it in such a fashion that the succubus can be summoned over and over again to have wild, sensual sex while keeping ones soul intact despite getting to have all that deliciously forbidden sex that would be happening should one cravingly engage in such lust filled depravity.

The thing to remember is that a succubus wants to suck a man’s soul, but she will settle for something else if a fellow plays his cards right. Preparation is the key. The spellcaster will need to acquire a pair of dark sunglasses and a stylish fur cap with earflaps before encountering the succubus. Any attempt at this summoning without these items would be pure folly. I’ll explain why in a bit.

Next one needs to do a bit of magic and summon the succubus. I have gleaned the following spell directly from the Lost Book Of Malagigi and have, in fact, performed this cantrip a few times myself, (purely for research purposes, of course.) It is potent magic to be dicking around with and the slightest mistake could result in forfeiture of ones shrieking immortal soul to Hell where he will be forced to lick castor oil from a Glebrazu’s ass for all eternity.

Glebrazu

But the spell is pretty much straight forward. All one will need is a black candle kissed by the demon Lilith and dipped in the river Styx by the dark goddess Hecate after she sat on it under a full moon during a leap year and leapt over it on the witching hour of the eighth night of the following week after All Hallows Eve, (these things are very rare and hard to find, however, I happen to have the melted stub of one I might be willing to sell for a reasonable price. It has at least one more use on it. Maybe two really quick ones.)

The summoner should then proceed to a darkened room and don the dark sunglasses and fur cap, letting the earflaps dangle in a whimsical, rebellious fashion. No tricky circled pentagrams need be drawn to protect the summoner from the creature, as that would completely defeat the purpose of the exercise. One should let that devil woman do her very worst!

Now one is ready to wrestle the succubus.

After lighting the candle, recite the following incantation, being certain to capture each vocal inflection correctly. This would be a bad time to slip.

Voluptuous Sumptuous Succubus Sassy

Willowy Wallowing Wild Lilith Lassie

Luciflux Flocking Ducks Devil Doctor Seussy

Summon And Sink In A Pink Platypus Sea

(You know damn good and well they put that last part in just to trip you up.)

At this point one should feel the very air become pregnant with the tangible charge of eldritch energies as the succubus materializes. Woe to the man who looks at the succubus with his naked eye! She will have a beauty born of all ones favorite sins, for she is Temptation incarnate. No mortal man can resist her charms and will offer up his soul instantly. Hence the sunglasses and fur cap with earflaps to protect ones peripheral vision.

No Peeking!

You can have her but you can’t see her. But then, you knew there had to be a catch. It’s simply the nature of all things infernal.

Every man must wrestle with the darkness at one time or another and I suppose this is as good a way as any. But I still think it would be easier to get out a bit and meet someone new, you know, without being so picky about superficial things like physical appearance. Benjamin Franklin once said, “all cats are gray at night,” and he has a point. One doesn’t have to summon a succubus just to sport a pair of dark sunglasses in a dimly lit room. And he doesn’t have to be alone in there when he wears them, either.

Benjamin "All Cats Are Grey At Night" Franklin

Remember- love isn’t always blind. But with just a little ingenuity it can be.

Doctor,

What do you really think of David Blaine?

Sincerely,

Wondering In Wisconsin

I have never met David Blaine and I’m not certain I want to. Clowns and stage magicians give me the creeps.

Dear Darkfaulker;

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. I'm pretty sure that the Creature From The Black Lagoon is living in my septic tank. I've tried everything I can think of to get rid of him, including gallon after gallon of drano and loud rock music all night, but the big slimey bastard is still there. Please tell me what I should do.

Thanks,

Creeped Out In Caribou, ME

There’s no easy way to break this to the folks in Caribou, ME so I’m just going to come right out and say it: you may find his shocking to learn, but Hollywood makes things up sometimes. The Creature From The Black Lagoon is a product of sheer fiction, a fabrication, completely contrived for the sole purpose of entertainment, and, therefore, can in no way be occupying your septic tank. It might be time for a reality check here people. Creature From The Black Lagoon, indeed.

Now, now, don’t get me wrong. I do not doubt that a slimey, green and freaky hominid is wallowing about in your septic tank in the dark hours of the night. In fact, given your geographical location, I am about ninety-nine percent sure that you are dealing with what is known to some as a common Sleestack.

Common Sleestack.

Back in 1974 a family of adventurers known as Rick, Will, and Holly Marshal fell through an extra-dimensional porthole leading into a small, self-contained universe known only as Land Of The Lost. It is not for certain that this particular breed of lizardman originally hail from this peculiar setting, but I have seen from several Highly Reliable Research Documentaries that they are damned sure there, and it is evident that they found a way to come here through an extra-dimensional gateway leading to Oromocto, New Brunswick, which is not too far away from your home town of Caribou, Maine.

Normally these creatures seldom remain in that area once they reach this world, as they will work incredibly cheaply and tend to get absorbed immediately into the traveling carnival work force where they are mostly employed to operate the rides or become barkers for some of the more rigged games. But I digress.

Lets get down to business and get rid of that meddlesome mudsucker, shall we? Here’s what you need to do. I’m afraid you must grill out. You need to immediately open your grill, dump in some fat charcoals and get them glowing good and bright, but don’t let the sleestak see what you are doing. Then get a metal spatula and toss about seven or so of the glowing charcoals around the septic tank area. This is guaranteed to completely scare he piss out of the thing and make it run like hell in whatever direction it happens to be facing, and it won’t be troubling you further. Here’s why.

In The Land Of The Lost they have what they call “Pylons,” which are small, obelisk shaped structures that are larger on the inside than they are on the outside and control the weather and gravity of the place through the power of small, glowing rocks, (which are the approximate size and shape of fat pieces of charcoal,) located inside the pylons. These glowing rocks are highly dangerous and can shock the piss out of a sleestack or most anything else for that matter. When that sleestack sees you throwing those glowing charcoals about the place, he won’t know the difference and will get while the getting is good.

The Marshal family screwing around with those dangerous
glowing rocks found inside a Pylon. Be careful Will!

After the sleesack is gone, I recommend that you take a few hickory chips on the remaining charcoal, crack a beer and toss on some fat steaks. That’s what I would do anyway

Yo Darkfaulker;

You think you're so smart then answer me this. If Sasquatch really exists, how come I can't buy no Sasquatch hunting license like I can for deer and woodchucks and Shetland ponies? For that matter, why can't I get one for the darkies?

Lemme know,

Hungry in Hamilton, WA

I’m not certain what you mean by the term “darkie,” or why you would wish to hunt one, but I do know something about Hamilton, Washington.

Interesting gene pool they have there. A chromosome or two shy from the standard human, I suspect. But one must wonder, is it a simple matter of inbreeding or is a new race of subhuman is actually evolving there?

As a man of science I would be remiss not to pay you a visit. I must collar you and chart your migratory patterns, observe your general behavior. I am also curious about the effects of repeated maximal sedative doses from my dart gun might have on a specimen, so I’ll be shooting you a bit. But don’t worry. A good tranquilizer dart in the butt does one good, adds a bit of perspective.

I'll have to warn you, however, about the zany sense of humor sometimes displayed by my assistant, Paranormal Photographer Fong Qui Fang. Don’t be too awfully surprised to wake up on occasion in some pretty silly places after the tranquilizer sedative wears off, holding pictures of funny things you did while you were unconscious. Probably things involving a pony, a wig and a saddle horn. Funny stuff. Fong is a sneaky, savage bastard and an ungrateful hanger-on, but one must admit, he has a real flare for slapstick.

We are going to get along splendidly and I’m going to help you with this unhealthy hunting fixation of yours. When we get done, you won’t even want to look at another pony, much less shoot it.

Look to the darkness, wraith in the night, when you least expect, etc. etc.

I’ll be with you in a bit.

Dear Dr. Von Darkfaulker;

I've followed many of your adventures and have always found them bloody well entertaining and informative. Often times reading your latest paracryptozoological exploits will make potty time almost bearable for me as they help distract from the mind-rending pain. My question is as follows. How exactly do you manage to profit from your adventures, sir? Do various clients pay you for your investigations or do you perhaps have corporate sponsorship? As a recent retiree and inquisitive sort of chap, I've been thinking of entering the field but am concerned about budget restraints and what not and was hoping you could help me. There's a good fellow.

Regards,

Lawrence in London

Keeping the nighttime world safe from being inundated with the craven forces of stygian weirdness is payment enough for me, Lawrence, but the resources needed to drive my legendary exploits are prodigious, and paychecks are every bit as rare and elusive as the creatures that I hunt.

Raising enough money to battle the darkness is a battle of its own, but it’s a battle you good folks at home can help me with by making out a check or money order to Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker and sending it to Ken Socrates World News Organization. Be sure to mark it ATTN: Horatio though, in case anyone gets any ideas, (you can’t even keep a sandwich in the break room around the place without somebody coming along and taking a bite when no ones looking. Fondue.)

If you are serious about paracrypozoology, however, you will want to be taking the Darkfaulker Full M.A.S.T. (Monster Attack Survival Technique) course that I offer for the mere pittance of $45,000. US. This comprehensive class is an absolute must for the serious monster hunter and includes all-you-can-eat pasta salad lunches served by martial arts master Fong Qui Fang and access to my extensive personal library of rare research documentaries and forbidden arcane tomes. I know what you are thinking: too good to be true right? But that's not all!

Once you have blossomed under my guidance into a true adept in the ways of Darklore, you are guaranteed a rare opportunity to survive an actual monster attack while I personally coach you through it.

Sign up and we’ll have you lined up with your new career in no time.

Great question Lawrence. Thanks for reading.

Dear Horatio,

Why haven't you called me?

Denrecnoc,

Zatanna Zatara, Justice League Satellite

Sorry toots. We had a few laughs and you’re a good kid, but the darkness doesn’t fuck around. I must remain the perfect sentinel and stay free of all distraction. It’s the Von Darkfaulker code.

But I’ll always remember those nights you let me wear those sunglasses and that fur cap in the dark Pleasure Domes of Xanadu.

We will always have Xanadu.

Later baby.

If you would like to contact Dr. Darkfaulker, you may do so
at the following e-mail address. At your own risk, of course.

darkfaulker@kensocrates.com

© Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker & Ken Socrates 2008. All rights reserved.