The Socrates Awards
Man of the Year: Aquaman
There were many deserving nominees this year including B.A. Baracas, Flavor Flav and the tedious annual nod to our boss Mr. Socrates, but how could we ignore a man who breathes both salt water and air, who can telepathically talk to flounders and who single handedly made the glittery gold/teal spandex look the hottest fashion craze since "Members Only" jackets. We give you: Aquaman.
Name: Aquaman
Occupation: Superhero / King of the Oceans
Outstanding Accomplishments: Once again went above and beyond to protect the seas and oceans of planet Earth from a myriad of dangers and dutifully served as counsel and liason to the aquatic wildlife of the world. Saved the human race on twelve different occaisions from such horrific dangers as alien invasions, evil super-villians bent on world domination and various rampaging giant monsters.
Quote: "I am Aquaman and I am proud. I stand ever vigilant in defense of the waters of Earth and shall always be a tireless defender of the fish, mammals and crustaceans that live in the salty depths. I stand fearless in the belief that it is not too gay to wear stretchy glimmery outfits and jockey briefs over my teal leggings that reveal my modest bulge. I am Aquaman and I am proud to accept this honor. Thank you."
Lady of the Year: "Bombs" McLoughie
In a field of prestigeous nominees that included Shannon Tweed, the late Bea Arthur and the entire cast of Horny Sorority Sluts IV there could be no doubt about who stood out the most. Her support of the American way of life has been nothing short of mountainous. Using her two greatest assets, her unwavering pride and untouchable dignity, she fights an ever righteous battle against the balooning threats of the modern world. She is a cerebral woman, a titilating conversationalist with a bouncy personality who's character can never be questioned. She is Sally "Bombs" McLoughie.
Name: Sally "Bombs" McLoughie
Occupation: Waitress / Beer Model / Patriot
Outstanding Accomplishments: Supported American troops in combat through her website by offering a discounted membership fee for enlisted men and unlimited "Shower Cam" access. Marched on Washington on Family Pride Day and, when asked, covered her thong so as not to offend the children. Personally spray painted tasteful anti-Islamic slogans on various mosques in her neighborhood. Was the consecutive fifty-two time winner of Stinky Ed's weekly Wet T-Shirt Bonanza and Ho-Down.
Quote: "I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me for this award and I'd like to give a shout out to all my peeps down at Stinky Ed's Bar, especially the guy from the men's room stall, you know who you are. I'd like to thank Dr. Mammostein, my surgeon, for his gigantic efforts. And I'd like to thank God, for all he's done for me, personally, and for making America the greatest empire on earth. Go U.S.A.!!!"
Cult of the Year: The Mojonixonians
Songs like "Stuffin' Martha's Muffin" and "Debbie Gibson Is Pregnant With My Two-Headed Love Child" made him a legend in the music business but, sadly, this was the year that Mojo Nixon retired from performing. Thankfully, he didn't sit still for long. In his trailer park compound in Mobile, Alabama, Mojo and his fourteen wives have begun a new life centering around his strict mandates of an all-beef diet, tantric sex, cheap beer, bad country music and the undying belief that Elvis is, indeed, everywhere.
Official Name of Cult: The New Mojonixonian Lightspeed Armada Of Grilled Cheese Faith
Cult Mission Statement:To bring enlightenment to a world lost in a morass of commercialism and emptiness. To destroy the Evil of MTV and VH1 and replace them with the poetry of "Land of the Lost" reruns. To put a song like "Redneck Rampage" in every living heart and inspire your dreams."
Quote: "We're not just some bunch of dirty hippies, man. We have principles. Elvis was the one true King and he has shown us the light that we have been missing from our lives. We need to eat more fatty foods, not less. We need to do more drugs, too. So when the U.F.O. Sasquatch Short Bus arrives with The King himself at the wheel, we can step on out to The Eighteenth Dimension in style, brother. Your award means nothing to us for we have seen the future and it tastes like peanut butter and bananas."
Link: Mojo Nixon Retires
