The show, which is based on the popular schoolyard game Punch Ya Nuts Up, has been a huge ratings success for the network and, as such, has come under close scrutiny from various media watchdog groups. Producer Clayman Devine defends the project's integrity. "Look, it's not that we set out to deliberately exclude women from participation. This is not a matter of politics but, rather, physiology. They simply do not have the toolbox for this. Period." He adds, "There is not one iota of prejudice here, believe me. We let the fags play, don't we?"
Host Ned Beatty wonders why the fairer sex would even want to be involved in a game the sole point of which is to inflict mind numbing agony to an individual's scrotal sack and it's precious contents. "Do they have any idea what being in the game entails? The price that is paid? Do they want to walk around all day with swollen, throbbing testicles? Listen, I'm sure childbirth is an uncomfortable, even unpleasant sensation. Whatever. Trust me, though, it's the minor leagues compared to the feeling of the white hot supernova exploding from your crotch to your brain when one of these animals lands a shot on your boys."
Indeed, the game's designated groinal assault teams, called Bag Taggers, are made up of fit, muscular individuals, many of whom have backrounds in boxing and martial arts. Cain Vapid, leader of Team Chickenskin, looks chiseled out of stone and has a jaw that could split firewood. "I take my job seriously, man. I'm fast, smart, strong and I've got a jackhammer right. One, you're never going to see me coming and, two, when I drop a bomb on your happy sack you're going to be down for awhile." His prowess and accuracy when it comes to pounding on a man's reproductive organs seems to be a point of pride. "Put it this way; if you're still planning on having kids at some point in the future, this is not the game for you."
Still, women's groups like N.O.W. assert that women should be allowed equal opportunity for the fame and winnings that a successful appearance on Ball Blasters can generate. They've gone so far as to suggest solutions such as a pair of prosthetic testes that could be worn by female contestants that, when struck, emit a searing electric charge into one's loins. Melinda Bluntwine, lead attorney for the coalition filing the suit, contends that the bias is a product of basic male fears of inferiority. "It's likely that the testosterone addled minds that are behind this moronic show are simply afraid that women's pain thresholds are so much higher than men's that, if allowed in the game, they would win a dramatically higher percentage of the time than men do. And how humiliating would it be if it turned out that we gals could handle the family jewels better than you guys?"
Devine and company hope that the entire controversy will soon become moot when they debut their latest show, Titty Twisters, currently in production, which he promises will have a unisex casting policy. "Hey, we all have nipples, right?"
© Ken Socrates 2006. All rights reserved.
Reality Show Sued For Sexism
The A & E network's hot new reality television show Ball Blasters is being sued for gender discrimination by a variety of national women's organizations who allege that the show uses "exclusionary casting policies" that don't allow women to be involved. The program, which, each week, selects a male contestant who is covertly followed through his day to day life by disguised assailants who, at random intervals, leap out and deliver a savage roundhouse punch to their testicles, solely selects men as participants. Opponents of that practice argue that there is an illegal sexual bias in effect while proponents appeal that "women just don't have the balls for it".
