The Bertuzzi Incident - Super Hyperbole Edition

By Chippy McGuinness

With the recent news that Todd Bertuzzi has named former coach Marc Crawford in a lawsuit claiming the conditions of his contract obliged his infamous sucker punch on Steve Moore in 2004, the debate about the incident has once again been ignited among douchebag hockey fans all across the internet. I can't say that I blame them. Four years is hardly enough time to sort out an argument, especially when you consider the necessity to include a large variety of foul language and heavily biased aggrandizing to defend your point of view.

For those not familiar with the incident, here's an objective run-down of what took place: on February 16, 2004, Colorado Avalanche forward Steve Moore, a fourth line puke-up from the minors that nobody except his mom would ever had heard of otherwise, viciously checked then-Vancouver Canucks captain Markus Näslund in the head, resulting in Näslund nearly losing an arm at the elbow and a concussion so bad it almost gave him cancer. No penalty was called even though Näslund, who represents everything that is good and pure about sports and the pursuit of human excellence, was taken out for three games; this is generally attributed to the fact that the referee at the time was an asshole, despite the NHL ruling that the call was legitimate. It angered many Canucks fans, who were justifiably upset that a jackass like Moore could get away with something so savage and nefarious. Marc Crawford publicly criticized the ruling, as did several of Näslund's teammates in Vancouver, including Brad May, which is not surprising, since that guy couldn't shut the fuck up if his jaw was wired closed in ten places. An ill-tempered atmosphere mounted between the two teams and when they met again three weeks later, the shit hit the payback fan. By the time it was over, there would be blood on the ice, a dude on a stretcher and a permanent stain on the reputation of Todd Bertuzzi.

Early in the game, Matt "the Cookie Monster" Cooke (what kind of stupid nickname is that anyway?) took on Moore to avenge his team captain, but Moore, being the fucking idiot that he is, didn't throw the fight like he should have. Had he, the score would have been considered settled and everybody probably would have gone out for beers and hookers to laugh over the whole thing afterwards. Since he didn't, to paraphrase Crawford, there was still a price to pay and Big Bert was sent to collect. Don't tell Crawford I wrote that; according to him, he was ordering Todd back to the bench. That's because if there's one thing a good coach does when he means no harm, it's to put one of his largest and most notoriously uncontrollable players on the ice at the tail end of a lost game with a guy who gave his best friend a concussion less than a month earlier. I'm sure he wasn't expecting the violence that followed. Unfortunately for Todd, it did, as he attempted to engage Moore to drop his gloves. Moore sissied out, resulting in Todd accidentally punching him in the head from behind. It's not clear when Moore's injuries occurred, but somewhere between the two men hitting the ice and Moore's asinine teammates dog piling both of them, Moore ended up with three fractured vertebrae in his neck and a bunch of other injuries that essentially ended his career in hockey.

Bertuzzi was charged with assault and pled guilty. He was also suspended for a full season that ended up getting cancelled anyway and the Canucks were fined $250,000.00. Moore followed by suing the Canucks, Todd, Brad May, Marc Crawford, and Orca Bay Sports and Entertainment, the government of Canada and the estate of 16th Earl of Derby and Lord Stanley of Victoria for roughly one hundred million billion dollars. As of this writing, it remains unsettled in the courts. Moore's parents also filed a lawsuit because it apparently caused unbearable emotional stress to see their son getting hurt while playing hockey, but that is so lame I refuse to write another word about it.

Nobody knows how things will wind up for all the parties involved. The simple truth is that Todd Bertuzzi is still playing professional hockey and Steve Moore is not. To be honest, Moore sucked so bad, I don't think things would be any different today had the accident never happened. One thing is for certain: the legacy of the incident, along with other scandalous hits like Marty McSorley's well-meaning stick attack on Donald Brashear in 2000, has tainted the otherwise limpid and harmless culture of violence that makes hockey the wonderful, family-friendly game that it is.