Capital One Found To By Willie T. “Don’t Squeeze The” Sherman
Carry Mark of the Devil
David Spade the Antichrist?
Special Correspondent
Financial Institution Capital One may have more than clever commercials going for them. Recent evidence shows they may be in league with the greatest force of darkness in this world or the beyond.
No, not Rosie O’Donnell, rather the big guy himself – Satan.
Richard D. Fairbank, CEO of Capital One Financial, held a press conference Monday to answer charges of his company being in league with the devil.
“Well, every company is looking for an edge in business,” Fairbank said. “We decided that Lucifer offered a very attractive benefits package and lucrative short-term investment potential. Through this merger, we are poised to be THE financial institution of the future.”
Capital One card users are urged to
check their cards for Satanic symbols
such as demonic names, the sign of
the devil or shooting flames.
Shockingly to most Antichrist detractors around the country, Capital One’s stock jumped 230 points after the conference due to public confidence in the power of evil.
“Well, you know. Evil is pervasive,” said an anonymous Capital One operator.
“It’s the end of the world,” said one man who stands on the corner of 53rd St. and 3rd St. holding an end of the world sign.
Due to the bolstering numbers, Fairbanks held another press conference Tuesday where he announced plans to implant Capital One money chips in all of mankind. The chips, which would replace all forms of currency around the world, would be implanted in the eye and only results in death in one out of five people.
The current version of the technology
calls for an eye implant. Original des-
igners wanted rectal implants, but field
testers sited a lack of usability and ex-
treme pain. The original designers were
found to have anger issues and really
wanted nothing more than to inflict pain
on a world of people they themselves
will never truly be a part of.
Fairbanks showed a series of informational slides that showed how Capital One already owned the majority of the planet – they also contained subliminal messages and half the reporters in the room killed the other half.
According to a little-known collection of works called “The Bible,” the end of time is heralded by a one-world currency and many other horrible things. The “revelations” include global pestilence and wonton destruction.
Fairbanks waived away such worries. “It’s not like we’re going to end the world. Just one third of it.”
Originally, Capital One wanted to
plant their chips on money, but
they realized that was really stupid.
Financial forecasters believe Capital One will overtake all other financial institutions by the end of the week. The chip is planned to be introduced sometime in the near future and will be implanted by covert operatives in your sleep.
“We are a customer service company,” Fairbanks said. “We strive to put the customer first. Those customers that simply can’t be satisfied are turned into Solient Green. Resistance is futile.”
More Evidence:
We ran a clip of a Capital One commercial through the spectral
anagrammalizamathingy and found startling revelations about David
Spade. Apparently he has succumbed to the power of the devil and is
a full-fledge agent of Satan. The only hope for his soul is holy exter-
mination. If you ever meet David Spade on the street do not hesitate
to chop of his head and douse the thrashing carcass with holy water.
Related Links:
- The War Against Evil
- Church of Satan (Visa and Mastercard Accepted)
- Joe Dirt
- The Truth About Hell
- Rosie O'Donnell: One Large Lesbian
All contents copyright 2005 Ken Socrates & Willie T. Sherman
