Chippy's Ten Most Memorable Hockey Moments

Mike Milbury Flies into Crowd at Madison Square Garden, Batters Fan with His Own Shoe.

Many sports experts praise the talents of players like Mario Lemieux and Scott Niedermayer as graceful and seemingly effortless. I say fuck that noise. I like to see athletes take some initiative and rarely have they ever the way Milbury did on that glorious day in 1979 when he followed Bruins teammate Terry O'Reilly into the New York City stands to beat the living crap out of attending Rangers fans. These are New Yorkers we're talking about, so it's not like they didn't deserve it.

Bobby Orr Gets Tripped. And Oh Yeah, Wins the Stanley Cup for the Big Bad Bruins.

There are few photographs in the history of sports as famous and recognizable as the moment Noel Picard tripped Bobby Orr after Orr scored the goal in 1970 that won the Bruins their first Stanley Cup since Hitler was in office. Not that Hitler had anything to do with it. At least I don't think he did. This is a Bruins win we're talking about, so you never know.

Clint Malarchuk Stars in His Own One-Minute Slasher Flick, Richard Zednik Drives Himself to the Hospital With a Nearly-Severed Head (tie).

It was March 22, 1989 when St. Louis Blues right wing Steve Tuttle slit the jugular vein of Buffalo Sabres' goalie Malarchuk with his skate in what I hope was an unintended freak accident, resulting in three hundred stitches and the most disturbing video you will ever find on Youtube. Not only did Malarchuk survive, he was back in the net a week later. A similar incident would occur again in Buffalo nearly twenty years later, when Florida Panthers' forward Richard Zednik sustained a comparable neck injury. Shocked but stouthearted, Zednik merely slapped a Band-Aid on the cut and practically drove himself to the hospital. This is why I have no respect for soccer players, who routinely expect to be hauled away on a stretcher for an extended stay at a physical rehabilitation facility if they stub a little toe.

Wayne Gretzky Sold to a City That Nobody Even Knew Had a Hockey Team, Oilers Fans Still Not Over It.

Even if it has been 20 years, I can't say that I blame them. If I lived in Edmonton, it's very likely the only things I would ever manage to do is freeze my ass off and whine about hockey, too.

Soviet Team Walks Off the Ice to Protest the Broad Street Bullies.

Some teams just can't stand the heat; later dubbed "the Moscow Musketeers" by Toronto Star columnist Milt Dunnell, in January of 1976, the Soviet Red Army was one of those teams. Apparently more concerned with showcasing things like talent and athletic prowess, the Soviets objected to the Philadelphia Flyers' winning tactic of pummeling their opponents to a bloody pulp and walked off the ice like a bunch of sissies chasing an ice cream truck. Legendary Russian goalie Vladislav Tretiak would brand the Broad Street Bully style of play "rude hockey." Flyers fans would brand Tretiak a candy ass.

Bill Masterson Dies After On-Ice Head Injury, An Epidemic of Macho Shitheaditis Prevents the League From Instituting Mandatory Helmet Rules for Another Decade.

January 13, 1968 brought what was gratefully the only game-related death the NHL has yet to see, as Minnesota North Stars' center Bill Masterson sustained a head injury that would end his life two days after. It wouldn't be until 1979 that helmet laws would be grandfathered into the league rule book. Nobody ever said hockey players were quick to learn.

The Glow Puck is Mercifully Retired.

Look, if you can't see a damn black puck on white ice, try following the gaggle of six-foot-tall, two hundred pound men. It's the thing they're chasing. Glow pucks moved awkwardly, cost an absurd amount of money and, to be totally honest, were completely fucking retarded.

The Philadelphia Flyers Win Back-to-Back Stanley Cups.

It was the 1974 and 1975 seasons that would see the glorious Stanley Cup victory for my beloved Flyers. The fact that it was seized over the Bruins and Sabres, respectively, made the wins even sweeter. I was two and three years old back then and I can still vividly recall the memory of watching those games in a bar with my mother and the three for four boyfriends she went through at the time.

The Miracle on Ice.

Nobody gave our Olympic boys a shot in Hell at beating the Soviet hockey robots at Lake Placid in 1980, let alone their chances of earning a Gold Medal. Following the national depression heralded by the dreadful cultural and political climate of the 1970s and more specifically, disco, American self-esteem was so invigorated by the unexpected win that we elected Ronald Reagan and spent the next ten years snorting cocaine, listening to hair metal and ignoring AIDS.

Gary Bettman Voluntarily Retires, League Presided Over by Someone Who Actually Gives a Shit About Hockey.

Like a cure for cancer or refusing to believe that there is a Godfather III, I will never give up hope that some day, this will be true.