MR. MANNERS

with DWIGHT COOTER

Hello, faggots.

That’s right. I called you all faggots. And I don’t mean a bunch of sticks although I bet queers burn real good. Ain’t nothing I like more than listening to a bunch of lisping fudge packers go up in flames. Because those bastards deserve it with all that polluting of our gene pool.

Anyway, I'm calling you all faggots because you've gotta be a pipe choking limp wrister if you think you need someone to tell you how to act in public. I ain't never had to read any of them things before and I don't need no foo-foo wet pants pansy telling me how to act. But since this is part of my community service, I guess I gotta do something that shows that I'm trying to better myself. That's a long story and I ain't going to go into it now. I still got that pending statutory rape trial.

So this is where I give you slack-jawed asshats some etiquette techniques. Etiquette, the dictionary says, is a French word which means we shouldn’t give one wet fart what the fuck it means because it’s French. We’re only going to use real American words, not that pussy French stuff. I bet French people burn faster than queers from guzzling all that sour piss they call wine.

Instead of ‘etiquette' which we've established is a liberal pussy surrender word, we’re going to say manners. ‘cause we all remember that mom told us to mind our manners. That was the first thing any good parent worth their hard earned, non-welfare cheating bucks does is teach you manners. Even if they had to beat them into you like my parents did. So I’m going to beat you some manners and I’m going to beat you good.

This month, I’m going to talk about table manners. Table manners is that shit you do when you’re at the dinner table or eating down at the local roadhouse. You know you don’t put your elbows on the table because that’s just a fucking stupid thing to do. It’s okay if you’re eating corn on the cob but as soon as you’re done, you best take those elbows off the table.

A lot of times, I go to restaurants and they have two forks on the table. Now, Dwight, you may ask me, when there are two forks on the table, which one do I use first? My answer is, I don’t give a shit. Why the hell do these places put TWO forks on the table? Are they trying to insinuate that Americans are so goddamn fat that they need a fork for each hand? Because that’s something a Frenchie would do. My advice is, when you go to a restaurant and there’s two forks, take one of them and throw them at the waiter. Let them know you’re not going to pay for some goddamned Frenchie surrender plot to make us Americans feel bad about our weight. Just tell them to go fuck themselves and get you the large order of chicken wings.

Pussies.

Thirdly, it’s not a good idea to fart. Especially when you’re in line at the buffet. I don’t care if you’re trying to scare folks away from that last piece of meat loaf, just don’t do it. You do that shit around me and I’m going to shove a fucking plate right up your goddamned gassy ass.

“Gassy ass”. That sounds just like that word “gracias” that all them illegals say to each other. And if you’re American like me, you’ll notice that they’re probably staffing that buffet you’re farting at. In that case, go ahead and fart away but be sure to point it right at their faces.

On a related subject, burping is okay in my book. Some people think it's gross but those are the same one who think dogs should be kept as pets and not target practice. But it's polite. Really, a lot of them fancy places say that burping is just telling the cook that he makes good grub. And if those ninny wimps look at you with disgust, you go punch them in the face for me. Like daddy said, it's better to burp and taste it then fart and waste it.

Another thing that might come in handy is using a napkin. Now, napkins are good for wiping off your face, blowing your nose into and whipping it at the waitress' ass when she walks by. If you don't have a napkin, ask for one. And if they don't give you one, you have my permission to beat the living shit out of them and use their shirt as your personal napkin, toilet paper and boot cleaner. That keeps them from getting uppity.

Lastly, tipping. If you don’t like the service, you’re well within your God-given American rights to tip that table over and smack every goddamned illegal in the face. If the service is okay, you can pinch the waitress’ ass. Or high five the waiter. But don’t go pinching a waiter’s ass unless you’re one of those illegal faggoty Frenchies.

So there you go. How to have manners at the food table. Next time, I’m going to show you guys how to treat a lady so she’ll put out.