Apologies & Retractions

In light of the recent formation of the legal coaloition Celebrity Retaliation Against Socratic Slander, or C.R.A.S.S., the editorial staff here at The Ken Socrates World News Organization have decided to make a pre-emptive strike at our oppressors as they, once again, attempt to censor and vilify the free press. They cannot control us, of course, but in the interest of preventing years of unnecessary legal entanglement that would clog up the world's courts with their petty, whining complaints we shall offer a small amount of careful cor- rections and apologies based on what may have been one or two minor inac- curacies found in some of the more hastily published reports released by this organization in recent years. What follows is our honest attempt to reach out to those who would persecute us, an offering in the name of peaceful coexistence.

The facts as we now understand them to the best of our ability:

Donny Most might not be dead. Unfortunatley, there is no actual physical proof that he was actually murdered by Ron Howard in a grisly ritualistic ceremony in which he ate his beating heart and drank his blood to help facilitate his rule over the earth as an evil demonic overlord. Attemps to discredit the Donnie Most-like imposter who has been spotted recently in low level celebrity circles continue, however.

Steve Buscemi probably didn't pinch a steamer in the home goods section of Wal-Mart. Sometimes rumours take on a life of their own and even the most diligent journalists are susceptible. It was unfair, then, for us to suggest that Mr. Buscemi left a giant brown loaf near the throw pillow endcap at his local store without actual hard evidence, regardless of what the clean up guy said.

Claudia Christian most likely can't microwave your testicles with her mind powers. True, it's a common fear amongst men who have come in contact with her, most notably a certain brash, globe-trotting journalist. The fact remains, however, that discovering swollen, black- ened balls after meeting her at a Babylon 5 convention could just as easily be explained as coincidence. If only the claw marks could, too.

Zandor, leader of the Herculoids, has not had intimate relations with either Gleep or Gloop. For the sake of Dorno we offer our sincere regrets for any difficulties such an implication may have caused within the Herculoidian household. We also steadfastly deny having any lurid fascination with carnal activities involving amorphous shape shifting blobs of any sort. That's just wrong and we know it.

Bob Woodward isn't the Kansas City Nude Fire-Bomber. We don't know who is, actually, so to try and make a case that such a res- pected author and key investigative journalist behind the Watergate scandal likes to get naked and throw molotov coctails from a speeding Harley at toll booths in and around the Kansas City area might be a tad irresponsible. Fact is, he probably wouldn't even do it in a thong.

Warren Ellis may not have stabbed Ken in the eye with a rapido- graph pen. Yes, there may have been a brief scuffle in the area between his table and that of Mark Millar at the 2006 San Diego Comicon when Mr. Socrates arrived but the identity of the individual in the crowded melee who actually attempted to blind him with the technical pen remains unclear, even on enhanced security video.

Maria Sharapova doesn't create photoshopped nude images of herself for the web. This is a case in which we just plain had the facts wrong, even after doing hours of intensive research via google image search. In the end, it was clear that Ms. Sharapova is not the artist responsible for digitally transposing her head onto the bodies of erotic actresses engaged in their profession. Anna Kournikova is.

Les Stroud, Survivorman, was never a member of the X-Men, to our knowledge. Sure he's tough, a true outsider with a talent for survival in the wild that makes one wonder about possible genetic mutations that might be enhancing that abilty. Allegations, however, that he has been created at the Weapon X facility in Canada and secretly trained by Professor X remain, for the moment, unproven.

Sylvester Stallone did not accidentally create the SARS virus. In fact, he doesn't even have a laboratory sophisticated enough to replicate Yellow Fever let alone a viral threat so efficiently destructive as SARS. When it comes to comminicative diseases, Sly is, quite frankly, a total non-Rambo and any insinuation otherwise is simply the result of generous misjudgement of his microbiotic abilities on our part.

All the stuff about Andrew McCarthy is true as shit, though. Seriously, the fucker has killed twenty four people over a six week period and the body count rises by the goddamn day. Somebody needs to run this fucking maniac to ground and put him down hard. We've got calls in to Tony Danza and Cheryl Ladd and even one to Judd Nelson, God help us, but no one is stepping up to the plate.