The Dream Team

As you all know, the Ken Socrates World News Organization employs a veritable host of hard-working men and women without whom this site and the global journalistic machine that powers it would dissolve into pointless, unmanageable chaos. Of course, it's also true that most of those workers are basic, simple grunts doing menial tasks and easily replaced by the readily available next wave of minumum wage, brain dead high school dropouts that populate the lower rungs of this, and most other, institution's work force.

Our graphics guy, for example, used to man the mayonnaise station at a local Subway before we rescued him and, believe me, he knows damn well he'll end up back there should his production slip. Stig, in the mailroom, was mucking out stalls at a racetrack, trying to dodge a small army of lawyers hunting him down for years worth of child support and alimony payments. Most of our caffeteria staff is on Work Release from MCI-Cedar Junction and most of them still bitch about how much they'd rather be making license plates. Our Webmaster maintains a side job crafting and selling custom bongs online and our office gopher, whom we have lovingly dubbed Coffee Lad, is none other than former Sha Na Na member and host of Karaoke Showcase, current bottom of the barrell celebrity, John "Bowser" Bauman and lord knows there's always more where he came from.

However, above that level of dronish riff-raff there resides a core group of talented, elite writers who are truly responsible for making this organization the international media powerhouse that it is. People with astounding intellect, monsterous skill and a voracious appetite for the one thing that forever drives all those amongst us who posess such superior character - The Truth. People jacked right into Whats Going On, able to use their scythe-like minds to cut through the disinformation and distractions usually found in other, far inferior, more ethically compromised News Organizations.

I say it to you now, dear readers, and it's true. Giants still walk the Earth.

And we've got them.

I stand here proud to call these individuals my friends, my partners, my co-conspirators in this most righteously demented enterprise into which we have entered together. Seekers of truth, all of them, iconoclastic champions, sublime subversives and brilliant lunatics. Goliaths in the Arena of Ideas. Masters of deranged hijinks. Nutters of the loveliest sort.

It's likely you know them well already but allow me to present them here to those few who do not and, at the same time, celebrate our assemblage and the promise of Great Things To Come. I give you the new KSWNO Dream Team.

• Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker - From the darkest, strangest reaches of humanity and beyond, he and sturdy assistant Fong Qui Fang remain ever ready to inform and educate us about those elements of our existence that we fear to comprehend, even as he stands ready to defend us from them. You will likely never know just how much each of us owes to him and, if you're smart, you'll pray he never shows up to collect.
  
  
• Joe Hawaii & Gaylord "Ra" Fondue - They say that if you don't know your history, you're doomed to repeat it so we say to the doomed, start reading these guys right here. It's archaeology and research like you've never seen it before from two guys who know how to sift out the relevent from the relics and dig up the real stories from humanity's otherwise muddled past. Put down those dry textbooks and click off the Discovery Channel because this didactic duo have everything you need to know about the ancient world and it's impact on this one.
  
  
• Chippy McGuinness - It's quite clear that this is not a woman to be trifled with as her ex-husband's insurance company can graphically attest to. Carefully balancing the equally important and sweaty arts of sports writing and prostitution, she manages to bring a level of grim enthusiasm to each that promises to both satisfy and terrorize readers and customers alike. Her grasp of, and lust for, the essential, inherent violence of the game of hockey is without peer and her prices are reasonable. Tip her right and she just might tip you off with The Inside Scoop. Piss her off and get ready to lose some chicklets.
  
  
• Ken Socrates - Intentional or not, qualified or not, he somehow remains the binding force behind this volatile collective of talent and still manages to chip in with an article or two when lucid. It's likely that, somewhere within that murky collection of tainted ganglia he calls a brain, he realizes how utterly grateful he is to be surrounded by such a wonderous group of individuals and how sickeningly undeserving he is of such good fortune.
  
  And coming soon:
  
  
• Stamford Buckforth Pimpleton III - Arts and Entertainment Critic extroidinaire. We'll let the man's work speak for itself and let you experience it for yourself but suffice to say that his resume reads like the bibliography of a particularly brilliant thesis on contemporary intellectualism and we here are drooling with anticipation of what he will bring to the mix and it's not just because Bowser laced the coffee with sedatives again.