Immigration Plagues Egypt

by

Joe Hawaii and Gaylord "Ra" Fondue

ALABAMA- A rare papyrus sent to the Northeast Alabama School of Archaeology and Taxidermy has given us a rare glimpse of a modern problem in Ancient Egypt. A copy of the papyrus was sent with a package of Road Kill Monthly calendars by a group of renegade Atlanta professors as a practical joke. But now the joke is on them.

After a three day frat party where a record 412 dead animals were stuffed, two graduate students, Jed "My Last Name Ain't Clampett" Rutherford and Winthorp "I Didn't Make It Into Harvard" Tucker, suffering from a slight formaldehyde buzz, ran across the papyrus and on a whim decided to translate it. Three cases of Bud Light and a roasted chicken later, a startling revelation was uncovered.

Ramses II

The papyrus was a copy of the May 11th, 1642 B.C. edition of The Nile Street Journal (v.2, #7: The Swimsuit Issue) and contained a scathing article on illegal immigrants, right next to a hieroglyphic of Anck Su Namun in a lovely yellow number. Apparently the Egyptian population was fed up with the slave labor being used by the Pharaoh Ramses II (pictured wearing a stunning blue headress, a royal purple thong, and flip-flops). Here are some excerpts from the article:

"EGYPT- A sandstorm of change is sweeping the fertile Delta. A change in immigration policy is being demanded by workers losing their jobs to the mass influx of slave labor. Union activist Akhenaton "Sweaty Balls" Heston had the following to say:

"Yeah, these people just come in here and, sure, you know, I know there was, like, a famine and I can appreciate their misfortune, but hey, it's not like I called the gods up and said, 'Yo, cut the food supply off.' But the famine's over. They should just go home. I mean, I got a brother, Charlton. He's, like, in pyramid construction. He ain't worked in three months. I mean, how do you compete with free? I mean, Isis, you can't cut your price that low. I mean, you can beat these people and I think they like it! When Charlton was beaten, he didn't like it. But he respected it. You gotta have that fear there. These people ain't got that. And their all the time "Father Abraham" this and "Father Abraham" that. Apparently Father Abraham couldn't do jack for them when the food ran out. Father Abraham THAT! Now you can't get a decent job threshing wheat. Threshing wheat! Jeez, I remember a time they couldn't get people to thresh wheat. People would rather have worked at the McOdion's than thresh wheat. Now you can't do either! How do you compete with FREE?! I mean-"

And he rambled on a bit, not making much sense. The only thing that came through was "I'll show the pharaoh how to build a pyramid! I'll show him where he can shove it, too!" Then the pharaoh's guards took him away. Look for details of his public execution in our next edition (The Pharaoh Rocks- And We Really Mean It Issue).

A new figure has arisen out of the migrant issue: The Pharaoh's own brother, Moses "I Hear Voices" Ramses. Openly hostile to Pharaoh's immigrant work policy, Moses has approached his brother telling him to get the illegals out. Many people may remember that Moses left Egypt amid some legal controversy. "I've put that behind me," Moses responded. "Why can't you? It was an accident. It's a worksite. Bricks fall." When asked on his plans for how to deal with the slaves, he was quoted as saying: "You see, when I was out, you know, traveling around, I found a perfect place for them to settle. I mean, there's milk and honey everywhere. It's like Paradise or something. I got a map right here." Moses patted his off-white swim robes (clearly a Amen Klein knock-off). "Well... it was right there... Um... Well, I know where the place is. I'll show 'em. No worries."

On the opposing side, Ross "Schmucky" Konigsberg, a migrant worker, responds:

"Please.... please don't beat me... I'll thresh the wheat..."

Next week in The Nile Street Journal: Rivers of Blood- A Sign of Climate Change? And What's With All These Damn Frogs?"

Jed and Winthrop plan to sell this on eBay to the highest bidder. Winner also gets a pet/family member stuffed and mounted for free.