George Gaynes was widely regarded as one of Hollywood’s most sincere and lovable character actors. His work was respected and admired by some of the industry greats and the esteemed Robert DeNiro was once quoted as saying, "The big weird guy...? yeah, he's okay, I guess." Few knew the true, sordid tale, however. Few knew the awesome anguish and constant mental trauma of a life twisted by forces beyond his rudimentary comprehension and control. In the end, it is an American tragedy, with all the lewd, lascivious details one might expect from the story of the man who's nickname was "Moose Jizzum".
His film and television career had been on a steady incline since it's inception in 1948 with only a small glitch during filming of a Colombo episode in 1973 when he was accused of stealing Peter Falks cigars and using them in "an extremely unsavory manner". This was mostly unreported in trade papers, but rumors circulated and his reputation began to take a slightly darker tint. That same year while filming The Way We Were, in an incident that, to this day, remains unexplained due to the reticent silence of all partied involved, Barbara Streisand suddenly doused him with a glass of Bacardi Rum and attempted to set him on fire. Still, he was steadily employed in the following years, working with such talents as William Hurt, Robert Redford and Linda Black. It wasn't until 1982, when he won a part in the soon to be blockbuster hit Tootsie, that things began to spiral out of control into pain and madness.
It began slowly, with a subtle, yet palpable, dislike between Dustin Hoffman and Gaynes on the set. George seemed to enjoy it far to much and took delight in aggravating the situation, often showing up dressed in drag in an attempt to mock Hoffman, while loudly offering him money for oral sex. At one point, when the star's Persian cat was discovered flayed alive and hanging in the make-up room, Gaynes was an immediate suspect but nothing could be proven. Filming was too far along to replace him at this point, so when he showed up on the set wild-eyed and foaming-at-the-mouth-crazy on PCP, wrapped entirely in pink cellophane with a bizarre three foot headdress made of tinfoil and peacock feathers, ranting and shouting hysterically about "the screaming yellow Zonkers" who were attempting to poison him by slipping small quantities of nail polish remover into his morning oatmeal, it was overlooked and he remained on to finish the film.
It was rumored that these antics led directly to his role in the zany, underrated law enforcement comedy Police Academy (1984) as the producers attempted to gain some measure of publicity for their film. It turned out to be a nightmare, of course, as Gaynes was relentlessly violent and abusive to the cast and crew and had to be physically restrained between takes. He does appear in the film, of course, but a close examination of his scenes will reveal that, in many of his close ups, he is heavily sedated and that a burly, overweight elderly woman was used as a stand-in for him for many of the wide shots. The film was a success of sorts but bad feelings remain from its production and, to this day, Steve Guttenberg blames Mr. Gaynes for his inability to achieve an erection without the aid of Viagra. However, due to what is believed to be intense public pressure from the national law enforcement community, he remained on board for all of the subsequent sequels until Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989) when he reportedly bludgeoned a sound technician to death with toaster.
Many believe that his happiest times were as a member of the cast of the lovable network sitcom Punky Brewster. The daily grind of producing a weekly television show is credited as being a steadying influence in his life, as was his marriage to longtime companion Allyn Ann McLerie. The two had met years earlier in an Adult Bedwetter's Support Group in Pasadena and had become fast friends and, soon, lovers. She brought stability to his life and weaned him away from many of his more degenerate vices including bare knuckle fighting, glue sniffing and mountain biking. On the set, he was charming and supportive and the star of the show, Soleil Moon Frye, still refers to him as a "father figure" to her, though, when it was discovered that her own father was a renegade street mime and compulsive arsonist, this declaration regarded with less import. Still, this was a relatively calm and productive part of Goerge's life and it wasn't until the show's final episode when it all went horribly wrong once again.
The grand finale, called "Wedding Bells For Brandon", was a nostalgic affair in which the shows beloved pet and mascot, Brandon the dog, was to be married to his canine love Brenda. All involved thought it a suitably sweet conclusion to the series that was so important to their lives and sentiment during filming was one of peacefulness tinged with sadness. Gaynes took a different approach. He was bitter and angry, feeling slighted by the producer's choice to ignore his own ideas for the finale of the series. He had spent weeks laboring over a script he had written himself based on some of the more obscure writings of William S. Burroughs which took place in a bleak post-apocalyptic wasteland where the group, led by a hulking, mutated Punky-creature long emaciated by years of heroin abuse, fought a ceaseless war with an army of giant bug-like monsters he called The Super-Fudge Gongafuggers, who seemed to be a subtle amalgamation of huge, black cockroaches and Barbara Streisand (he had already cut a deal to market them as a line of action figures). It was to be his magnum opus, the crowning achievement of his career, and when it was rejected out of hand he entered a state of seething rage.
Filming had concluded and the entire cast and crew had gathered for a wrap party at the Beverly Hills Hilton. The affair was festive and happy and few noticed the absence of Mr. Gaynes from the party. When he did arrive, it was in a way that none could possibly ignore and which would haunt them all for the rest of their lives, in waking nightmares and fevered dreams. Young Ami Foster, who played Margeaux Kramer on the show, recalls his entrance. "We were all having a good time, drinking, dancing and laughing. Corey Feldman had dropped by and we were sucking face in a corner when, all of a sudden, there was this horrible, loud rumbling and screeching. People started running and screaming, it was mass confusion, and then crash!! A black pickup truck, painted with all sorts of weird curse words and vulgar images of sex organs, came smashing through the plate glass windows in front at, like, 90 miles an hour. People went down under it, glass was flying everywhere in the air and the thing barreled to the center of the hall. I looked around and Feldman was under a table, like the pussy that he was."
Eye witness accounts of the chaotic event vary from each of the attendees, understandable when one considers the horrific trauma of the scene that unfolded, but a basic description of the terror can be gleaned from the compilation of the various reports. The pickup rolled to a halt and Gaynes clawed his way out of the window of the truck's cab. He stood before them, unsteady yet savagely triumphant, and some said he seemed to blaze forth with some demonic, otherworldly energy. He was naked, his entire body painted with a bizarre rainbow of neon body paints, his hair bleached platinum and formed into fearsome six inch spikes atop his head. He was covered in vomit and bloody from multiple piercings of his nipples, navel, eyebrows and scrotum, and chains were strung to connect each of the grisly studs. Eddie Deezen described him as "...a fucked up cross between Bozo the Clown and Pinhead from Hellraiser…” He was screaming and waving a pair of long, barbecue forks in air, apparently swatting at what could only be a swarm of huge predatory birds swooping at his head. People gaped in utter panic and scrambled for any possible exit, climbing over each other to escape. Gaynes ran about slashing randomly at them, all the while bellowing "I am Henry WARNIMONT, you commie fuckers!!!" Eventually, after the Los Angeles SWAT Team arrived to surround the building and George's longtime yoga partner Lou Ferrigno arrived to calm him and coax him out of the building, where he had cornered Corey Feldman as a hostage and was torturing him with a taser. When it was all over, the death total had climbed to 17 including, sadly, Brandon the Dog.
Gaynes was never convicted on any charge except public indecency, of course, as the entire trial became a fiasco when the Judge was found to be having an illicit affair Linda Black, who apparently held an ancient grudge against Mr. Gaynes from their early days in Hollywood and was discovered to have been the supplier of the tainted Adrenochrome that had ultimately sent George over the edge.
Not surprisingly, Gaynes went into seclusion after this and was rarely seen outside of small film roles and the occasional Denny's grand opening. In recent years, though, he seems to have resurfaced, under the name Arebrab Dnasierts, as the leader of a new Southern California, scientology type cult group call The New Amoeba Flatulence Discovery. Little is know about the groups activities due to its guarded, exclusive nature, but most agree that it is based largely on the principles of Electro-shock therapy, LSD and cannibalism. Efforts to discover more have, to this point, met with severe reproach.
It should be noted that George Gaynes, for all his faults, was first and foremost an artist and, as such, can be excused his many eccentricities as mysterious convolutions of the creative process. He believed a man must suffer for his art and, obviously, carried that ideal to the extreme, adding to it his own notion that, often, friends, family, co-workers and total strangers must also suffer for his art, as well. This is never more evident than in his astonishing performance in the as yet unreleased Fantastic Four (1994) where he fills the screen with pathos and emotes a resounding, tragic persona that lays bare his own profound lamentation of the human condition itself. He is thus immortalized, as he should be, as a performer, an actor, a man of depth and character. As with any true artist, his tale is a reflection of our own lives, ever tumultuous and glorious. We would do well to read it, remember it and learn from it.
All contents copyright 2004 Ken Socrates
George Gaynes:
A True Hollywood Story
