By Willie T. “Don’t Squeeze The” Sherman
Following on the coattails of Finnish researchers, an American team of scientists have descended into the deepest depths of the Earth to research the truth of Hell. What they discovered will shock even the most stoic of monster truck fans.
“We were deep. Must have been … well it was really deep. Then all our shit started getting hot. And then we saw it. It was the biggest damn monster truck I’d ever seen. I mean, it was like bigger than a fucking aircraft carrier. I mean it was fucking huge. And there was fire all over it. And we heard the scream of the damned and some really bad country music. And then we saw, on the door, it said ‘Hell.’ That’s when we realized what hell really is. A giant monster truck with the heater turned all the way up and really bad country music playing all the time,” said the astonished team leader Dr. Ima Sham.
The Finnish team that went down was trying to gather information about Earth’s core. As they neared Earth’s center, they reported irregularities in their drill, soaring temperatures above 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. They also reported hearing “The screams of the damned.”
“We definitely heard the screams of the damned,” said research analyst Dr. Izzy Gay. “But, once we realized we were actually at the Earth’s center, we were most surprised to see a monster truck. We also realized that temperatures were nowhere near as high as the Finnish had reported. They must have messed up their conversions using that silly Celsius crap.”
Realizing that with the proper safety gear they could investigate the truck further, the team used their hover boards to get a closer look.
“We got up to the driver’s side window expecting to see the devil in the driver’s seat or something. But all we saw was the interior of the truck. When we got close enough to actually perch ourselves on the door, we saw that the truck was filled with people. Some sitting on the dash. Some hanging on the steering wheel. Some floating around the cab. We thought to ourselves, ‘Why don’t they just open the door?’ And then we saw the door was locked, but hundreds, nay thousands were trying to push up the lock, standing on the crushed bodies of their companions below them.
“Down lower we saw that the handle for the window had been removed. We could see the settings for the heater were turned all the way up and ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ was set on repeat,” Gay said.
It was a horror unlike any they’d ever seen. Six of the 15-member team died from shock (it is rumored that it could also have been from really bad Mexican food, but everyone on the team says it’s only a possibility).
As for the surviving members of the team, they have all converted to Buddhism and hope to avoid ever seeing the truck of Satan again. “Maybe if we get all fat and Zen, we’ll do whatever it is that Buddhists do,” Sham concluded.
© Ken Socrates and Willie T. Sherman 2005. All rights reserved.
That’s One Hell of a Truck
The sight of the hell truck was enough to send one member of the
team to the toilet (he’d been constipated for about four days). The
flames were hot, but not any hotter than your average truck on fire.
This image taken by the team shows the interior of the truck.
Through the advanced science available to us here at Ken
Socrates Inc. Corp. Enterprises, we were able to analyze the
image and find the millions of people trapped in the hell truck.
Illustration 1: Shows a bunch of Chinese who never thought
they’d be going to hell. Stupid commies. All communists go
to hell. Illustration 2: A group of people who should have
known they were going to hell – folk musicians.
Further Discoveries:
