What History Doesn’t Tell You

The Unknown Stories of WWII

By Willie T. “Don’t Squeeze The” Sherman

Through recent declassified photos, documenting the perils of the time, this reporter has uncovered some startling facts about a period of time we thought we knew just about everything about.

We’ve long known about government conspiracies to cover up the fact that they are, in fact, responsible for everything bad that’s ever happened to you. Right down to that skinned knee you go in third grade. Accident? Hell no. Blame the government.

Now the following historical images prove that policies in place during the 1940s – 1950s have created the state of shit we exist in today.

1. Don’t Waste Food

It of course goes without saying that we should be mindful of our resources. What surprised the Ken Socrates Enterprises staff was the fact that apparently folks in the 1940s ate bones. This of course led us to conclude that our modern problems with obesity stem from the fact that we finally started eating meat.

Just what was the government getting at here by supporting the eating of bones. Why were they throwing away meat? Perhaps only our zoos know the truth.

2. Careless Talk

For the longest time we had no idea what this image was telling us. Obviously sleeping soldiers are being dropped out of airplanes with nearby volcanoes exploding. Our staff of stripper researchers stayed up long nights on the internet. In between web cam customers, they also Googled some information for me. It appears that these soldiers were put to sleep having to listen to those damn long Roosevelt speeches and fell out of the planes. So, apparently the government was experimenting with volatile radio-transmission narcoleptic Roosevelt speech. A potentially deadly combination.

3. I Gave A Man!

“Statistics” might not back this up (they’re lies anyway, just listen to Coast to Coast), but during World War II, men were so common they outnumbered women 10 to 1. It was common for women to have 17 husbands. The loud and raunchy sex became so unbearable that the government pleaded with the women to send some of their men to fight in the war. Women of the era were also very envious of rope. They pleaded with everyone to spend 10 percent of their pay on it. We still have no idea why.

4. Bible Enemy

This seems self explanatory. We might have caught up in some war with the “Germans” and the “Japanese,” but it seems that our real war was on Bible stabbers. It’s a little-known fact that both German and Japanese societies have a game that translates as Stab the Bible (one of the few traits they collectively share).

5. Only Women Give You VD

This was perhaps the most surprising image to come across our desks here. The rise in acceptance and the growth of the homosexual populace has long thought to be a government-sponsored movement so they could score more chicks. But we never thought we’d ever get out hands on such a smoking gun as this.

6. Hitler’s Ghost

We all know that the ghosts show up when we’re all alone anywhere. They whisper in our ears trying to convince us to poison the city’s water supply. The only way I can get them to shut up is to drink a fifth of Jack and yell the theme song to Hawaii 5-0 at the top of my lungs (there are lyrics if you play it backwards). BUT, what I didn’t know is that the ghost in your car is Hitler! And this is in the 1940s. Therefore, the U.S. Government knew that Hitler was already dead! We got involved in the war and it was all just some cooked up scheme of Churchill’s! How can we have been so dumb?

7. Gun talking

Wow. I hadn’t realized that talking gun technology reached back as far as the 1940s. My gun only started talking to me in 1986 after I sat out in the Mojave desert for 48 hours straight with only Tic Tacs to eat and my own urine to drink. But I digress. The truly amazing revelation with this image is the fact that U.S. Soldiers came back home to steal rounds for their weapons to use in the war.

8. Tank Killing Cats

Who knew? I mean not only did our men go to war, so did our cats. And they destroyed tanks. Holy Shit! And the government wanted the cats to participate in rough sex. How fucked up is that?

9. Give Us Drugs; We’ll Fight

By the time the U.S. began to really concentrate on the Pacific Theater, they had all become drug addicts. The government supported their vices by making the public give all their crack to the service members. Only through the steady flow of drugs did our fighting doughboys march into Tokyo and topple the Nazi regime.

10. Whores

This poster is one of the several “Loose Lips Sink Ships” series of posters. What is apparent is that Marine women of the era could not keep their fucking legs closed. But we weren’t sure what the “sink ships” portion meant. We have always assumed it was a euphemism of some sort. Then we realized, through this poster, that they were also advocating silence. We can therefore conclude that “sink ships” stands for upstanding male military members who made the mistake of sexing up these whores who could not only keep their legs closed but wouldn’t shut up about it either.

We were inundated with images, but I was only able to dig up enough information for print on the above 10. Hopefully, through responsible journalism and the efforts of the brave souls who brought us these images, the truth will come out.

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