Ken Socrates

Greetings and welcome to the official website of The Ken Socrates World News Organization, a group of dedicated, passionate journalists committed
to bringing uniquely relevant news and information to the discriminating reader. Through the leadership and inspiration of our legendary founder we strive on a daily basis to bring you, the dirty, simple peasants of the world, the one thing you have truly earned throughout the endless, demoralizing toil of your empty, meaningless little lives...The Truth. We're here for you. We will never fail you.

Special Report:

Jimmy Olsen Gone Wild
A new story from the Didactic Duo of Joe Hawaii & Gaylord "Ra" Fondue finds them blowing the lid off of the latest, raunchy sex- ploits of Superman's erstwhile sidekick Jimmy Olsen. This is the kind of thing you won't be reading about in The Daily Planet, folks.

Announcement:

A Blog From The Bunker
In a move that surprises no one here, Ken Socrates, deciding he needs a more direct outlet to communicate with his "readers", has officially become the last person on Earth to start a blog, as he holds forth from within his Northeast Compound. Check it out.

Darkfaulker:

Sophia The Utterly Wicked
Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker has met a great many people during his travels. It is a notorious catalogue of characters that inhabit his extensive circle of friends and enemies but the most alluringly seductive of them is certainly Sophia The Utterly Wicked. Read on, brave one, to discover why.

Update:

Ken Retreats To Bunker
Indirect word has arrived to the KSWNO that it's erratic leader, Ken Socrates, has quietly returned to the country and is holed up at his Northeast Compound in what is described as a "serious mood". Those few details currently available can be found here.

Feature:

More Answers In The Dark
You asked for it. You begged for it. You sent in your questions by the truckload, little knowing the terrors you would unleash with your ignorance. Dr. Horatio Von Darkfaulker has heard your pleas and responded once again. Ready or not, here are your Answers.

Mailbag:

A Love Letter From Hildy
The last time we heard from Ken's violent, psychotically posessive ex-wife Hildy Volstagg was shortly after her sabotage of his 2005 Antarctic Expedition when she somehow infected all three of the team's scientists with gonorrhea before departure. Now she's back.

The Arts:

Stamford Buckforth Pimplton III
Blazing a trail alight with sophisticated wit and social dignity from the academic spawning grounds of Portsmouth, Ohio to the soiled intellectual netherworld of New York, we bring you our new Arts & Entertainment critic, renowned and respected thinker Stamford Buckforth Pimplton III. Stamford's cible du jour? Le Tube du Boob.

Etiquette:

Mr. Manners With Dwight Cooter
It's common knowlege that Ken Socrates is always trying to help educate the dirt-kicking mouth breathers that populate most areas of America outside the borders of Massachusetts. To that end, we've employed a man skilled at speaking their language, such as it is. He's Dwight Cooter, folks, and he's gonna learn 'em real good.

Announcement:

Dream Team Assemble!
It's a call to arms, a cry for anarchy, a heraldic announcement of impending revolution. The KSWNO has now assembled together a collection of truly fearsome minds, the likes of which the Earth has never seen. Did you hear that, internets? Prepare to be pwned.

Sports:

The Bertuzzi Incident
The Ken Socrates World News Organization would like to proudly and formally introduce the new head writer of our Sports Dept., Chippy McGuinness. A girl who's gloves are always off, she's got more balls than most guys we know and a savage bloodlust for Old Time Hockey in all it's glory. Check out her stuff here.

Bonus:

Chippy's Ten Most Memorable Hockey Moments

Promotion:

Free Ken T-Shirts Now Available
Inspired by Ken's most recent stint behind bars, our hard-working promotions department has decided to meet the ongoing demand for Ken Logo Apparel with a new t-shirt designed to be both fashionable and functional; likely to come in handy 6-8 times a year. Get yours.

Contest:

The 2008 Ken Socrates Like-A-Look Contest
It's time once again to encourage rampant public humiliation of our loyal readership in the name of publicity as we begin our annual Ken Socrates Like-A-Look Contest for 2008. The barrage of early entries heralds another big year for worldwide fur hat and sunglasses sales.

History:

Immigration Issues Plague Egypt
This just in from the twin desks of Joe Hawaii and Gaylord "Ra" Fondue, a torrid, relevatory article originating from the arid sand dunes and ancient ruins of Northeast Alabama that manages to once again unwrap mummified facts in the face of public denial.

In The News:

Meteorologist Goes Travis Bickle
Harvey Bozelle, popular Weatherman on WHDT TV Indianapolis, surprised viewers and station management alike Thursday night when he went live on air with a mohawk and delivered a grim, scathing rant that began, "Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads..."

Full story.

Other Headlines:

U.S. Air Force Bombs Baltimore LARP, "Darkon" A Smoking Ruin

ABC's Caveman Sitcom Mercifully Euthenised By Writer's Strike

Book Review:

1-800-CALL GOD by Brad Heath
Every once in a while a book or an author comes along that demands that we stand up and take notice. Last time it was Daphne Zuniga's compelling autobiography, Spaceballs, Scientology and My Mom, The Whore. This time it's even better. Check out 1-800-CALL GOD.