WATER INTO WINE?:
A STARTLING RELIGIOUS REVELATION

by Joe Hawaii and Gaylord "Ra" Fondue

BENERVILLE, KENTUCKY- A recent game of Tiddlywinks has unearthed a startling new revelation which has the biblical community in an uproar. The game in question took place between Cardinal Vincent "They Don't Call Me Shorty" Belinni and local crop duster Caleb "Two-Toes" Schwartz, during a layover at the Benerville Airport due to a local pig-calling competition. As anyone in Benerville can tell you, you never, ever play Tiddlywinks with Two-Toes. Mainly because he's a three-time world champion and has been known to cheat.

During a heated game where Cardinal Belinni was about to literally be defrocked by Two-Toes, a startling discovery was made. Down to his last euro and nothing left to bet, Cardinal Belinni whipped out a copy of People Magazine he had taken from the Pope's bathroom. It was all he had left to wager with. But the real discovery came when an ancient scroll slipped from between the covers. It had been wedged between the article about Britney Spears denying dating her brother (it was her cousin) and an article about Lindsay Lohan modeling for the cover of next month's issue of Ethiopian Monthly. Apparently, the Pope had been using it as a bookmark.

The scroll has been carbon-dated and appears to precede the Dead Sea Scrolls by at least a Monday. But the most startling revelation came when the scroll was translated. It is a fragment of the book of John. It has the complete story of Jesus' first recorded miracle. And being the oldest found copy of this book, it is deemed to be the most accurate. The amazing difference in this scroll and the scrolls in which our current Bible are based are now the center of a controversy so large that people have forgotten about Tom Hank's Hair in the Da Vinci Code.

The story of Jesus' first miracle is well-known by any church layperson. When a wedding that Jesus is attending runs out of wine, Jesus instructs the servants to get six water pots of stone containing twenty or thirty gallons of water a piece. He then instructed the servants to draw out some for the master of the feast. The master of the feast then begins to brag on the quality of the wine. This is how it is recorded in the canon.

In contrast, the new scroll reveals that it was not wine that Jesus turned the water into. But in fact, it was something completely different. Here for the first time, the completely translated text of the Pope's bookmark dealing with this controversy:

"Jesus said to them: "Fill the waterpots with water."
And they filled them up to the brim.
And He said to them: "Draw some now and take it to the master of the feast."
And they took it.
When the master of the feast had tasted the water,
he did not know where it came from.
(But the servants who had drawn the water knew.)
The master of the feast called the bridegroom.
And he said to him:
"Every man at the beginning sets out the good wine
and when the guests have well-drunk then the cheap crap is brought out.
But this isn't even wine.
It's fizzy.
And what is that?
Cherry?""

Yes, you read it here first. Jesus did not turn the water into wine, but cherry coke. This predates the invention of cherry coke by at least a decade. At least.

The religious world has been turned upside down because of this. The consequences and ramifications are ringing through the Christian community. A formal lawsuit has been brought against the Coca-Cola Company by the Vatican for copyright infringement. Insiders say this may be settled out of court as long as the Coca-Cola Company promises to provide adequate supplies of the fizzy drink to the Mother Church to use in communion.

This has also brought about a new campaign tactic by the Catholic Church. Spokesman for the Holy See Billy-Bob Colonie speaks about some of their new ideas: "We've been doin' an awful lotta plannin' and came up with some great new slogans. Like "Coke adds life and so does Jesus" and "Dr. Pepper doesn't make the world taste better, Jesus Christ does." And "We like coke. The stuff you drink, not the nose candy." We really like the angles. And you gotta respect the numbers the coke company draws in. If only Jesus had used a Ritz cracker instead of unleavened bread, we'd corner the market."

On the other side of this controversy, the United Southern Baptists declare this a mistranslation. Rev. Spike "The Punch" Jones has released the following statement: "We all know that Jesus didn't drink cherry coke. It was RC Cola." Of course, his church has been using RC cola and moonpies in their communion for years and his opponents say he is biased on the matter.

In a related story, the Pope has demanded the return of his magazine. He's a big Lindsay Lohan fan. And they say he's infallible.

More Evidence of The Holiness of Coke