Marion and Bobo Rhinesdorf, the beast's breeders and trainers, are confidant that much of the controversy surrounding the choice is a result of simple jealousy. In fact, much of the uproar has faded since three of the key protesters of the decision were found gruesomely eviscerated in what appears to be some sort of strange, ritualistic murder. The unfortunate events have not put a damper on Bobo's victorious jubilation. "We're ecstatic, obviously. Those old fuddy duddies who tried to say that the Klingon breed couldn't be a valid participant in the show have obviously been proven completely wrong by the judge's decision. I think we all know that it's just sour grapes from a group of high falutin' country club fart pinchers who were dumb enough to think an Airedale Terrier could somehow stand against the hardiest intergalactic race of feral warriors the universe has ever produced."
Charges that the judges were intimidated by the fact that Ghackk appeared at final judging armoured in full battle regalia and laden with a vast assortment of traditional Klingon swords, scythes and daggers do not faze Bobo. "Listen," he remarks, stern indignation creeping into his tone, "It was simple hard work that won this thing for us. Those dried up old prissies need to get the poles out of their asses and realize just how difficult a process we have endured to reach this pinnacle. I mean, do you have any idea what it's like to lie awake all night listening to Klingon lovemaking? Sounds like a goddamned Kodiak bear being attcked by a pack of wild boars. And have you ever mucked out a Klingon cage? The filth is absolutley horrifying."
In the end, both Marion and Bobo realize that it was Ghackk himself who won it for them. "Did you see the way he kept his hind quarters up during that last strut around the floor? The way he kept his head straight? The way his forehead crags caught the light there on that last turn took my breath away. This is no slobbering, growling Klingon foot soldier with dirty, jagged fangs and rancid breath. This here is pedigree, man, pure and simple."
As for the lingering protests? "Between you and me, they're probably friggin' Romulans."
"They said they needed some time off," he croaks, wincing at the difficulty of forcing such memories to the surface. "They said it might be better if we were just friends. Right. I'm not stupid. I know what that means." When the lonliness and ache subsides for a bit, Grady feels the bitterness rising within him. "It's just not right, to lead a man on like that. I mean, I let them into my home, we travelled together. I opened up to them in ways that only true partners really can, with trust and intimacy. I didn't hold anything back, but that's the way I am. I give my all in a relationship. I guess that's what made me vulnerable. My god, isn't there any such thing as commitment, anymore?"
Tapper initially refused to accept that it was really over. He attended various UFO symposiums, travelled to Roswell, New Mexico and waited in the desert, hopefully setting up a candle-lit picnic dinner on a velvet blanket, replete with expensive wine and four dozen red roses. Authorities, at one point, removed him from the gated entrance to Area 51 where the poor, broken-hearted fool had collapsed into a fetal position, sobbing. Renowned abduction specialist Budd Hopkins is unmoved by Grady's pathetic state. "Listen, aliens are intelligent, mature beings that require a lot of atten- tion and stimulation. Maybe if Mr. Tapper had been more sensitive to their emotional and physical needs, he wouldn't be in this situation. I don't blame them for moving on." When asked if he could provide counselling or support to the forlorn man, Hopkins just shook his head. "His abductions have ended? Boring."
Tapper admits that part of his inability to get over the break-up has been his unshak- able fear that the aliens have already found someone new. "For all I know, they were abducting three or four other guys while they were still with me. The way they'd come and go at night, who knows?" He wipes away tears, the memories flooding back. "You know what really gets me? I was always faithful to them. Never once, in all our time together, did I allow myself to be probed by anyone else. And how do they repay my fidelity? By stabbing me right in the back." He goes silent and returns to his vigilistic staring at the night sky, searching, seeking, ever longing for a hopeful glimpse of the unidentified object of his affection.
"It's not like we want to confiscate every titty picture in the place. We concede that everyone has a right to things like Nude Celebrities and Cinemax, for instance. No, it's just the hardcore videos and magazines we want to have removed. We're just not sure that these kids are ready for Dirty Debutantes or Anal Asians or even Log Jammers." Adds Mrs. Langenbrunner, "We just think the sophisticated themes and ideas found in these films would be more appropriate in a college level curriculum. We feel the same way about Faulkner."
Stanton Ensberg, father or two boys, Morgan and Lemmy, currently attending the high school offers an opposing viewpoint. "Listen, before this program I never took a real interest in the boys' studies. They'd come home from school and go up to their rooms to do their homework by themselves. If they needed help with, say, algebra, well it was just beyond me and, frankly, I was too bust watching Monster Garage to even be bothered. Our relationship suffered."
Mr. Ensberg explains that things are different since the boys have enrolled in several porn studies courses, including Shaving Techniques and Tattoo Placement and The Art Of The Pearl Necklace. "Yeah, it's changed a lot of things. Now, I take a more active interest my sons' daily educational requirements. We work on their homework together and, even if they've got, like, five or six videos to watch per week, we get through it as a team, like fathers and sons should. We've come together as a family quite a bit this semester."
Ensberg and others parents who share his views point out clear evidence of a renewed academic commitment among young people in the unprecedented voluntary enrollment in Summer School that's occurred since the program's inception. They argue that, at the very least, pornography is a valuable sex education tool, teaching students about one of the basic, most natural biological processes of life itself. Others diagree.
"Learning about sex by watching porn is like trying to learn how to operate a submarine by watching Das Boot," Mrs. Langenbrunner counters. "You might end up with a good idea of where all the buttons and levers are but won't necessarily know how to fire the torpedos."
Witnesses report that Mr. Heston, known for his roles in such films as Planet of the Apes, Soylent Green and The Omega Man, seemed possessed by an almost inhuman rage and disoriented by an overwhelming dementia of some sort. Detectives on the scene reported that, amongt the gutteral growls and high pitched shrieking, his only coherent words seemed to be references to the recent chimpanzee maulings in West Covina, California, prompting speculation that his actions were motivated by some deeply rooted need for revenge against perceived simian agression against humans. At Mr. Heston's home in Los Angeles, investigators found a monsterous collection of firearms and explosives, various crude drawings depicting gorillas and other simians in assorted lewd poses and a garbled manuscript entitled "Monkeyblood". A full psychiatric evaluation has been ordered as well as a review of Mr. Heston's body of work to determine previous potential prejudicial attitudes toward chimpanzees.
Heston will likely be arraigned on fourteen charges of unlawful weapons possession and one count of assault and battery on a mongoloid.
FBI Bureau Chief Norman Madagscar states that the investigation has been hampered by many difficulties. "The main problem is that the disappearances are going unreported for days, sometimes weeks. These poor boys have insignificant, part time jobs, no friends, certainly no girlfriends, and families who seem to have completely forgotten them. Meanwhile, the other people in line are simply happy to move up a spot and thus, the victims are not reported missing for a long period of time, after which the killer's trail has gotten significantly colder." So how have the authorities discovered these vanishings? "It's usually other members of their internet forums." said Madagascar, "They notice that Vaderrr39 or Luke Bystander hasn't posted in a few days and we take it from there."
The investigation has progressed slowly but federal agents have begun to assemble a viable profile of the killer. "This is a very, very disturbed person." admitted Kyle "O.C.D." Knowles, Secret Service Psychologolical Profiler, "But highly intelligent. He is most likely a former Star Wars fan who had some pretty unrealistic expectations of George Lucas' creative abilities. Instead of simply admitting to himself that Empire was without question the high water mark, he's gone into a state of psychotic denial and rage. Rage that he is taking out upon what he sees as the pathetic reflection of himself that he hates, i.e. mindless, sheep like Star Wars fans who refuse to admit that the entire second trilogy is steaming, overhyped crap."
Authorities advise that the only real way to ensure the killings cease is to "remove the food source". Madagascar issued a stern statement to those stubborm few who refuse to abandon their spot in line. "For God's sake just go back to your mother's basements. You know what? When May 19th rolls around there will be plenty of tickets because no one cares but you guys. The rest of us gave up after Jedi. Go home, download a bootleg copy and, with your spare time, scour the [expletive deleted] earth for a [expletive deleted] life."
So how is it that the revered Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, a chair once held by Sir Issac Newton, has degenerated into a common pub brawler? Friends are tight lipped about Hawkings recent antics but rumors are that he has all but completely shunned his friends in the Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics in favor of his new 'posse', a group of alcoholic street ruffians. Morty "Deadliver" Stanton, a retired stable mucker, rarely seen away from Hawking's wheelchair in recent months, defends his new drinking buddy. "Yeah, Steve's a good mate, he is. He's free with his coin and always good for a laugh, eh? Aint nuffin' funnier than a good bum joke comin' out o' that buzzin' electronic voice box o' his." Other members of the hard drinking crew include Tim "Chugger" McNaughton, Nigel "Missing Time" Layton and Peter O'Toole.
Professor Hawking was unavailable for comment but released a statement through the University, read to an assembled throng of newsmedia by his speech synthesizer. "I am mystified by the recent uproar, mostly from less than reputable news sources I might add, over my recreational pastimes. Not only is it of no concern to the public what I do with my leisure time but the entire topic is overblown. It is widely known that other prominent scientists have partaken of their own particular vices without detriment to their work. Archimedes was a blatant opium addict, Newton was a paint huffer and Einstein was not only a total pothead but he secretly engaged in his era's version of The Ultimate Fighting Tournament. So, with all due respect, go (expletive deleted) yourselves."
Revelations have been numerous since the indictment was made public last monday, not the least of which the news that Eastwood has been the subject of ongoing FBI surveillance and investigation since the film Heartbreak Ridge. The mystery remains, however, about just what Eastwood planned to do with this army of savage, emotionally unbalanced social defects he had formed into a close knit band of diamond-hard mercenaries. The suspicion has surfaced that he intended to use them in a covert operation to infiltrate and conquer the Pacific Island Nation of Tuvalu and convert it into his own, self-contained Monarchy with himself set up as some sort of all powerful warrior/king. Considering the potoential of an entire nation populated by demented, hyperactive slapstick comedians armed to the teeth and trained in bloodthirsty martial arts, it is clear that a disaster of global importance has been averted.
Witnesses describe a chaotic scene, hundreds running about and screaming in horror as a monsterous bi-pedal creature covered in shaggy brown hair ran amok through the normally pastoral setting wildly swinging and slashing at any and everything in sight. Ex Boston Bruin tough guy Bruce Shoebottom happened to be one of the witnesses on scene. "The thing was (expletive deleted) huge and it came out of nowhere, all drooling and growling and the (expletive deleted) was fast, man. That (expletive deleted) hot dog guy never had a chance."
The event apparently lasted no more than for or five minutes but it was enough for the man-beast to do its deadly damage. Among the dead, Merle "Cranky" Evans, 47, self-employed Hot Dog vendor, Marshall "the Blister" Coburn, 39, also a frankfurter entrepeneur, Fr. Aloysius "Fingers" MacNichol, 54, of St. Scooby's Parish in Chelsea, and Gurma N'Gou Yousseff, 28, a part-time cab driver who was hauled from his vehicle and beaten to death as the hulking creature made its escape through downtown traffic.
Police confirm that the hairy monster evaded all attempts at capture is still at large, likely hiding somewhere in the metropolitan area, possibly using clever disguises and various aliases to avoid detection. Sgt. Corkum warns, also, that persons coming in contact with this new, savage breed of Urban Sasquatch should "not try to be heroes" but rather, avoid eye contact and alert the authorities discreetly.
Memorial services for the victims will be held at St. Scooby's on friday at 11 a.m.
"There can be little doubt of it, now." said Hasselhoff, at a press conference held at a local Red Roof Inn, "What was once thought to be the result of sunlight refracted through rain or mist has now been proven to be a major contagious risk for disease. Merely wandering through one inadvertently can cause you to develop Genital Warts within hours." Unfortunately, Dr. Hasselhoff has deemed much of his evidence and data as "too sensitive" for public release but, considering his long respected standing in the medical community, there can scarcely be any way to refute his findings. His wife, Melma Hasselhoff who was a surprise guest at the press conference, agreed. "This is a great relief to me personally," she said, her eyes watery with what could only be tears of pride, "Its good to know that there is always a reasonable explanation for when the dirty, nasty things happen."
It should also be noted that a certain commotion was caused outside the press conference when an unruly group of leprechauns appeared to stage a passionate, and somewhat violent, protest of the doctor's findings. The local riot police, however, soon had them under control through use of tear gas, rubber bullets, wooden clubs, shields, mounted patrolmen, tanks, attack dogs and various other riot gear. Order was eventually restored.
© Ken Socrates 2005. All rights reserved.
News
Headlines:
Pure Bred Klingon Wins Best In Show
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, NEW YORK - He stands at an imposing six feet, eight inches tall, his long, flowing mane glistening in silky perfection with every move of his exquisitely mountainous head. His jutting cranial ridges are sublimely formed, menacing yet not so grotesque as to inspire excessive disgust. He has been laboriously groomed, intensly trained and his battle armor shines like the chrome on a Benz CL600. His full name is Ghakk L'Hurggh and, in his majestic presence, one loses all doubts as to why such a creature could easily walk away with the prestigious Best In Show award at the recent Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. The fact that he killed and ate three of the other contestants raw becomes almost completely irrelevant.
Abduction Break-Up "A Real Bummer"
MONTPELIER, VERMONT - Grady Tapper sleeps all day in a rumpled, untidy bed in a neglected room filled with empty beer bottles and dirty clothes. One look at his hollow, empty eyes and you realize that he doesn't really care about the state of his surroundings right now. The pain is too overwhelming. The loss too fresh, the wound as yet unhealed. He spends his nights staring hopelessly out of the small single window of the bedroom of his rural fishing lodge hoping for a sign, an inexplicable light in the sky, an owl's face or the scuttling sound of little alien feet in the darkness behind him. Anything that might signal that the abduction experiences he's been having for the last fourteen years might resume. But it never comes and he eventually finds himself facing the awful notion that he is alone, abandoned and unwanted. The most success- ful, longest running intimate relationship of his life has ended and it hurts like hell.
Parents Debate Educational Merits Of Porn
PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA - A coalition of concerned parents has filed a hotly debated petition with their local school advisory board that would effectively cripple pornographic study programs in all of the town's public education institutions. The controversy is centered around Cheryl Ladd High School which boasts the finest library of explicit videos, magazines, hentai games and novelty devices in the country's entire educational system. In the past week, opposing groups of parents and students have been gathered outside the school grounds which have become the epicenter of the discussion, turning recess into a forum on the very necessity of pornography in the classroom. Coalition spokeswoman, Bonnie Langenbrunner, explains that the motion is not as extreme as would initially appear.
Heston Goes Apeshit
SAN DIEGO - Actor turned NRA spokesman Charlton Heston is being held by the San Diego police pending an investigation into attempted chimpanzee murder charges. The charges relate to an incident early Monday when Heston, armed to the teeth with various high caliber automatic weapons and dressed in a full compliment of Navy Seal clothing and accessories, made a furious charge toward the chimpanzee cage at the San Diego Zoo. Zoo officials were alerted to the potential massacre as a group of special education students touring the institution on a field trip began howling and whooping at the sight of the maniacal Heston in full assault garb rushing through the turnstyle at the Zoo's entrance screaming "Die you [expletive deleted] damn dirty apes!" The tragedy was averted when the geriatric actor stumbled over the throng of retarded individuals who, obviously over-excited by Heston's misguided enthusiasm, rushed the actor in an attempt to join the fun and delayed him long enough for Zoo security to disarm him.
New Serial Killer Targets Star Wars Geeks
A GALAXY NOT SO FAR AWAY - Terror now reigns in the once happy empire of hardcore Star Wars afficianados as word is spreading that a savage killer has, without a doubt, begun to set his sights on a very select, and very vulnerable, group of individuals; fans camping out in front of movie theatres waiting for tickets to the final installment of George Lucas' epic film series. At least eight bodies have been found and four more are missing as a nationwide law enforcement alert has been sent out. Police and agents of the FBI, DEA, ATF, and NSA, as well as amateur vigilante groups across the country, are in a state of heightened awareness as they try to protect this weak, innocent group of sheltered man-children.
Stephen Hawking: Mean Drunk
CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND - His work in advanced astrophysics is legendary. His theories on black holes, general relativity, quantum mechanics and countless other cosmological wonders have helped define the very universe in which we exist. He is the preeminent scientific mind of our lifetime and, with eight or ten shots of Stoli in him, he transforms into an ornery scrapper with a hairtrigger temper the width of a single quark. The only thing Professor Stephen Hawking likes better than measuring the X-ray emissions from a black hole is a down and dirty, anything goes bar fracas at three a.m. at the local pub. Yes, folks, when he's completely legless Mr. Hawking will go from a sloshed and happy haze to a foaming-at-the-mouth, pit bull rage faster than 299,792,458 meters per second, otherwise known as 'c', the speed of light.
Eastwood/Howard Cloning
Scandal Rocks Hollywood
HOLLYWOOD, CA - A Federal Grand Jury has indicted respected actor/politician Clint Eastwood on charges that he has illegally obtained inert cells from the body of deceased Stooge Shemp Howard and used them to produce a flock of fourteen clones, all of whom he was reportedly training in hard core paramiltary guerilla warfare tactics. The FBI and other agents from the FDA raided a compound in Sacramento 10 days ago, uncovering a navy seal style training ground populated by teenage clones of the late comic actor, all of whom had been through rigorous mental and physical training. A short but bloody skirmish ensued before the maniacal squad of psychotic lunatics was subdued and Eastwood , who was found in the base's headquarters with a can of lighter fluid and a matches, attempting to set himself on fire, was apprehended. The event has profoundly shocked both the entertainment and scientific communty, sending ripples of controversy that have reached every corner of the globe.
The 72 year old Eastwood has made no public comment since the indictment but the surviving family of Mr. Howard made themselves available to the press late yesterday afternoon. Rance "Skunky" Howard , grandson of the deceased was presented as a spokesperson for the family, who were visibly troubled by the news that their former patriarch had been so defiled. "It's true, Shemp was never the most popular Stooge," he said, in an emotional statement, "He was no Curly, we know that...and we've come to live with it. But this...? This is just piling on. To think of these... these... ABOMINATIONS running around out there...it just makes me want to puke in my shoes." He added, "Hopefully, this will not tarnish my grandfather's legacy and people can still watch Three Stooges episodes like Sing a Song of Sixpants and Dopey Dicks and still admire the genius of the man."
Sasquatch Busts Loose,
Kills Four in Boston
BOSTON, MA - The Boston Police Animal Control Squad has confirmed the terrifying rumors that have been circulating through the city for the past day: Sasquatch is loose again and the price has been paid in human lives. In a statement released late Monday afternoon, Sgt. Mariah Corkum described a nighmarish incident that occurred just days ago during a lazy Sunday afternoon on Boston Common: "We responded to multiple hysterical 911 calls from the area just after midday on Sunday, August 4th, all of them referring to a violent event unfolding in the park."
New Study:
Rainbows Cause STD's
TEMPE, AZ - In a recently released study, renowned gynacologist Dr. Stathis B. Hasselhoff had brought to light a very disturbing connection between rainbows and wide range of sexually transmitted diseases including, but not limited to, Gonhorrea, Genital Herpes, Syphillis and even Pubic Lice. In an extensive study conducted mainly in the neighboring state of Nevada, Dr. Hasselhoff has collected enough hard evidence, statistics and scientific results to prove beyond a doubt that contact with rainbows can do serious damage to "your package", as he refers to it.
