Sports Dept.

Well, we knew damn well that there wasn't a man alive who could step into the shoes of legendary former KSWNO Sports Writer and Bean Eating Champion Ozzy McGurt. Of course, there aren't too many who could fit into his pants or shirts, either, let alone anything he may or may not wear underneath it all. No, it's a simple truth that men of Ozzy's mountainous talent and girth are all to hard to find in the candy ass world in which we all live.

So we hired a chick.

Her name is Chippy McGuinness and, besides having the honor of being the first woman to ever best Ken Socrates in a Lawn Dart Fight, she's the founder of the youth outreach program Steroids For Pee-Wees, an outspoken proponent of the movement to ban the sport of Soccer from the continental U.S. and a lead organizer of the battle to elevate Bare Knuckle Brawling to an official Olympic event at the 2012 Summer Games in London.

And, oh yeah, she can write like Dave Schultz could punch. Already the accomplished author of the Zamboni series of children's books, which include the titles Gary Bettman Goes Squish, Bobby Hull Bankrupts the Tooth Fairy and It's Hard to be a Homo in the NHL, among others, her searing, white hot approach to sports journalism has set the industry on fire in much the same manner, as many suspect, she did to her ex-husband's modular home in Monrovia.

A comprehensively frightening profile of Ms. McGuinness can be found right here.

Check out her first article for us:

The Bertuzzi Incident - Super Hyperbole Edition

And her countdown of all her greatest hockey memories, now frozen in time:

Chippy's Ten Most Memorable Hockey Moments

Then stay tuned here as she brings a much needed, refreshing approach to our Sports Department in much the same way Bob Probert used to bring a much needed, refreshing approach to knocking guys teeth down their throats.

We'll all be the better for it.

And never forget to visit Ozzy McGurt at:

NOCANDYASSES.COM

You'll regret it if you don't.