An enduring archive of past articles deemed too socially important Vault
to simply throw away. "If we forget our past we are doomed to repeat
it", someone once said. In this case we will likely repeat it anyway
but, regardless, here is a partial record of what came before.
Joe Hawaii & Gaylor "Ra" Fondue:
Trump Weave Files Suit
More fiery controversy has come blazing out of Donald Trump's corporate headquarters this week but this time it has nothing to do with barking, unfunny, overweight lesbians or geriatric, has-been television journalists. This time it's serious. Ace reporters Hawaii & Fondue are right there to bust this story wide open.
The Soda Pop Divinity
Of all the miracles that Jesus performed, the most mysterious of them all, besides maybe bringing that guy back to life, was the changing of water into wine. The sensational new reporting team of Joe Hawaii and Gaylord "Ra" Fondue investigate the poss- ibilty that everything you know about the tale is wrong.
Ken Socrates:
Google War Finally Ends
The bitter standoff between two of the internet's most respected bastions of free thought has ended at last, leaving a clear victor. Standing strong, bloodied yet unbowed, amidst the smoking ruin of the intellectual battlefield: kensocrates.com. A full account here.
Farewell To A Fat Man
We always knew this place was too small to contain the unstop- pable raging man-bulk that is Ozzy McGurt. So it's no surprise to us to learn that he is moving onward to a space that can more easily contain his ravenous rants of righteousness. Say hello to nocandyasses.com. Bookmark it now. If you've got the balls.
Dog The Bounty Hunter Honored
Duane "Dog" Chapman, has been given Lifetime Achievement honors at the annual Small Penis Overcompensation Syndrome Awards. The gruff pseudo-law enforcement wannabe has been a previous winner in numerous categories at the event over the years and is undeniably deserving of the prodigious accord. Details.
The Snork Exterminators
Ask yourself this question: Who do you call when you've got a massive Snork infestation threatening to destroy your entire home and family? Ask yourself another question: Is it possible to create an entire article around a single joke that's already been given away in the title? Watch us try.
Die, Ken Socrateez, Die!
Yet another Ken Socrates wannabe has launched his web site
on the internet and, as is our policy, we shall taunt him with a few brief moments of fame before the Legal Department slowly grinds every last fibre of his creative spirit into a fine, colorless powder they can sprinkle on their morning cereal. Take a peek.
Bucky Nards And The Roughouse Gang!
Meet Bucky Nards and his feisty gang of irrisistable neighborhood kids who simply can't seem to avoid trouble! They track down evil-doers, solve crimes, hunt for lost treasure, investigate ghosts and spy on anyone who looks like a foreigner! Join the Ken Socrates Official Junior Crimestoppers League today and be just like Bucky!
The Wedding Section
On January 7th, 2008 this organization's beloved figurehead will take his ninth turn on the matrimonail merry-go-round when Mr. Ken Socrates weds Ms. Chavenay Toitrouge in Paris, France. To keep our loyal, and surely bewildered, readership up to date on the whole developing fiasco we've created The Wedding Section. Check it frequently for the latest updates and scandals.
Road Trip Tragedy
Space Dookie: Stop The Madness
Earth's astronauts have been using the space around our planet as their own cosmic toilet for years. The time may be coming when we will pay the most horrific price possible for those particular acts of pollution. More.
Merry Effin' Christmas!
Well, it's that time of year. Meaning it's time for the annual drunken free-for-all that is the Ken Socrates Corporate Christmas Party, held at Ritz Carlton Hotel in Boston last Saturday. A jolly time was had by all until things degenerated into a chaotic melee, as expected. Attendees asking Santa for brawls and nudity were not disappointed. A full account here.
Willie T. Sherman:
Love Down For The Count
The triumph and tragedy of the misunderstood man-mountain known as Gunner McKickass is poignantly explored by Willie T. Sherman in a surprisingly sentimental tale of love, loss and quiv- ering cellulite that proves finding love can be tough when you're 410 pounds with a mind ravaged by lead paint poisoning. Story.
That's One Hell Of A Truck
For all of our fellow degenerate bastards out there, Willie T. Sherman gives us a sneak preview of what we're likely to face when we finally shuffle off this mortal coil and step onto that long downward escalator to damnation. Put your shades on and see what awaits...
Hell Doesn't Take American Express
A hearty welcome to new Special Correspondent Willie T. "Don't Squeeze The" Sherman, legendary hard-hitting ace journalist and general malcontent. He's out of the gate fast with a fiery Corporate Watchdog report that's sure to set the financial underworld ablaze with scandal. Read on...
Mad Scientist Compound Raided
Details have leaked of a daring paramiltary raid on the island headquarters of the meglomaniacal uber-villian, Dr. Mordo Korvak, revealing a twisted plot of evil subversion that sur- passes even the most vile schemes previoulsy concocted by the most hideous would-be world conquerors in history. How bad is it? Two words: Mandy Moore. The traumatizing revelations.
What History Doesn't Tell You
The 40's and 50's were America's Golden Age. An age of inno- cence and morality where you could rely on your fellow citizen to do the right thing. Wrong. Wille T. Sherman exposes the seamy underbelly of a warped society using newly unveiled propaganda posters in his latest stunner, The Unknown Stories of WWII.
Miscellaneous:
The Socrates Awards:
Its time once again to announce the annual winners of the prestigious Socrates Awards. Congratulations to all nominees in what has once again been an amazing year for accomplishments in all areas of interest. Its a shame that we can only pick a select few to honor in the following categories:
Man Of The Year: Aquaman
"I am Aquaman and I am proud." You should be, Aquaman. Who stood taller than you this year? From your relentless protection of the world's seas to the caring, sensitive way you handle your interpersonal relationships with the Earth's fish population, you do it all. And hey, big guy, don't you look fabulous in that shimmery spandex top. You go, Aquaman!
Also:
Lady Of The Year: Sally "Bombs" McLoughie
Cult Of The Year: The Mojonixonians
Murder Weapon Of The Year: Sharktooth Machete
© Ken Socrates 2008. All rights reserved.
