WEAVE SPINS LAWSUIT

by Joe Hawaii and Gaylord "Ra" Fondue

ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY- A lawsuit has been filed against Marvel Comics' upcoming movie, Spider-Man 3. The lawsuit concerns the portrayal of the movie's symbiote alien lifeform, Venom. The lawsuit claims that the character slanders the good name of alien symbiotes. The finer points of the lawsuit are as listed:

(1) Alien symbiotes are portrayed as evil,
(2) Alien symbiotes are manipulative,
(3) Alien symbiotes eventually take over their host, and
(4) Alien symbiotes have no fashion sense.

The lawsuit was posted at Atlantic City Circuit Court #42 by a lawyer representing the alledged victim, Donald Trump's Hairpiece.

Don't mess with a Hairpiece that has it's own legal team.
From left to right: Lawyers Gloria Clozapine and Mathers Ritalyn
and their client, Portsnock "Cleaning is My Middle Name" Jones.

It's a little known fact that the union of Donald Trump and his hairpiece greatly resembles how Spider-Man came into possession of the alien costume known as Venom. In Spider-Man mythology, while fighting a Secret War on another planet, Spider-Man finds himself in possession of the alien costume, which empowers him even beyond his normal spider abilities. Similarly, in 1979, while in a roller disco tournament, a little known business entrepreneur by the name of Donald Trump (known as Cue Ball to his friends) was desperately trying to reclaim his title of Stud on Wheels (a much coveted award in the sad loser community) when he lost his hairpiece. As he stumbled out of the roller arena, shamed and bald-headed, he spied a mop leaning against the corner wall. Little did he know, the mop was an illegal alien by the name of Portsnock "Cleaning is My Middle Name" Jones. It was from the planet Bzteg-a-go-go, a planet which breeds a special lifeform that cleans floors. Donald, not caring that the color didn't match, pulled the handle off the mop/alien, put it on his head and jumped back onto the dance floor. Sadly, he still didn't win. But he became friends with the lifeform and found that it had a better "head" for business than he did.

Portsnock claims it's always had a good relationship, as do all symbiote lifeforms, with it's host. Portsnock was greatly distressed with an online trailer of the new Spider-Man movie. "I never really read comic books. I was more of a Salinger reader myself. So I never knew of the Venom storyline," says Portsnock. "I would have never become aware of it if I hadn't accidentally stumbled across the trailer while researching the predicated difference between Bach, Beethoven, and Woody Allen. I was so offended. I imagined how the Jews must have felt in Germany, or the Native Americans at the Trail of Tears, or Britney Spears in Crossroads."

Other co-claimants of the lawsuit include Zsa Zsa Gabor's Eyelashes, Loni Anderson's Breasts, Julia Roberts' Teeth, Burt Reynolds' Mustache, Dick Cheney's Glasses, Michael Jackson's Epidermis, Famous Elvis Impersonater Tommy "That's Not Butter" Carlyle's Jumpsuit, Dick Clark's Pacemaker, Dirk Benedict's Face, Jennifer Lopez's Butt, Dolly Parton's Left Big Toenail, and Lyle Lovett.

"We're all offended. Each and every one of us," J. Lo's Butt stated while sipping tea with Zsa Zsa's Eyelashes at the Trump Plaza. "Donald's been great during all of this. He's offered us each free rooms so that we can better organize our case."

Lyle Lovett was unavailable for comment. Fucking Lyle.

This story is so hot, it hasn't even hit the mainstream media yet. It was only by sheer chance that co-reporter Gaylord "Ra" Fondue stumbled upon it. Gaylord has been touring the country starring in Sun Gods on Ice: The Final Meltdown, which is currently running a three week tour at the Trump Plaza. It was here, while signing autographs to his fans (which happened to include Dick Cheney's Glasses), that he overheard the story.

Gaylord had this to say when hearing about this stupendous news: "Wow. Dick Cheney wears glasses?"

In a related story, Loni Anderson's Breasts are taking Burt Reynolds' Mustache to court over back alimony. Burt Reynolds' Mustache claims that the marriage was invalid, citing that bigamy is illegal.

Further References:

Loni Anderson
Loni Anderson's Breasts
Loni Anderson's Boob
Other Anderson Boobs