The Ken Socrates World News Organization annual Corporate Christmas Party was held last Saturday in the main ballroom of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Boston. It was a yuletide celebration of epic proportions as staff members, friends and special guests from all corners of the world were in attendance for what is always the most talked about event of the Christmas season, at least by the law enforcement officers who are ultimately called in to break up the proceedings. This years gala was no different as an assemblage of over four hundred staffers, celebrities and various unidentified ne'er-do-wells gathered for a grim, violent release of holiday stress.
The evening started out well as guests, over-tired and irritated from days of frustrating attempts to navigate the clogging traffic and malls full mouth-breathing cro-magnons that mark the joyous season, trickled in to the lushly decorated ballroom and quickly found their way to the well stocked and, thankfully, open bar that Ken always provides. Surprise early arrivals included former wrestler George "The Animal" Steele who, ever reluctant to wear a shirt to a good party, had instead hung an assortment of small ornaments and tinsel from knots in his back hair. He was accompanied by leggy supermodel Gisele Bundchen covered in nothing but green and red body paint and a couple of well place loops of garland. Gorman Moloko shocked all by arriving before midnight followed closely by several straight-faced individuals in sun glasses and dark suits but refused to communicate with anyone due to a self-imposed vow of silence he was enacting to promote his Rescue Brad Dourif campaign.
The party was in full swing by the time the reunited Pogues took the stage to perform "Fairytale of New York" but the performance was cut short when Shane MacGowan smashed a beer bottle over the head of Kevin Dillon who had joined them onstage but who's cowbell playing was obviously sub-par if not downright spastic. Organizers attempted to lighten the mood as they went straight to Ken's traditional christmas charity giveaway, Toys For Tards, where a group of special needs individuals were brought in and forced to compete against each other for a limited quantity of gifts. This seemed to lighten the mood considerably and the laughter was enough to drown out the sounds of Crispin Glover being dragged forcibly to the men's room by Lhak-Pa Barking Squirrell and the other prankster monks for his annual Christmas swirly.
More musical entertainment was provided by Ms. Melma Frankengibson as she channeled the spirit of Bing Crosby for a near-traditional rendering of "White Christmas". Guests, who were moved by the solemn melody and tried not to notice that the respected psychic spent the entirety of the song languidly caressing her own breasts, said that it was the most "touching" version of the song they'd ever seen performed. Ken then distributed Christmas gifts to his staff and friends, likely hoping that the spirit enhancing atmoshere would mask the general frustration of people finding out that he had once again used the International Star Registry to have a single star named after everyone, using a monsterously long amalgamation of everyone's name combined.
The awkwardness was quickly disrupted by the sounds of screams and breaking glass as the party was crashed by a wild-eyed Debby Harry in an unconvincing Hildy Volstagg costume who burst into the room and managed to spray Bucky Nards and half of his Roughuse Gang in the face with a fire extinguisher before she was taken down hard by burnly new sportswriter Ozzy McGurt. Showing off moves that had surely once brought a sense of holy terror into high school wrestling arenas all over his home state and announcing that he had "pinned the bitch", McGurt quickly earned the respect of all the other man-children in attendance.
Order was momentarily restored only to spiral out of control once again as Santa Claus made his yearly appearance and heated accusations began to erupt amongst staffers as to who had ultimately made the indefensible decision to give the role of Santa to Willie T. Sherman again. As usual, he was accompanied by an unsavory group of scantily clad street walkers vaguely garbed in elf costumes whom he continually referred to as his "Ho-Ho-Ho's". Predictably, most of the gifts he distributed from his bag were adult novelty devices and the odd nude photo of Natalie Portman that he had printed from the internet. His insistance that all female guests sit on his lap and his repeated reference to his Mistle Toe beltbuckle eventually instigated a frightening brawl after edgy intern Shalla sprayed him in the face with an entire can of mace.
The ballroom floor was littered with unconscious bodies and the sound of sobbing and police sirens was in the air, while certain people were still angrily attempting to break off table legs to use as clubs, when Ken Socrates finally took the stage to make his annual holiday toast. It was most likely, considering that he was holding a bottle of Absolut above his head and weeping openly, an emotional, heartfelt tribute to his co-workers and friends, none of whom could understand a single slurred word that he said and were all somewhat distracted by the fact that his pants were around his ankles. When he collapsed backwards into the drum set a resounding cheer went up from the crowd in time with the cacaphony of crashing cymbals and the entire throng raised their glasses in response to what surely seemed like the celabratory exclamation point on yet another successful Socrates Christmas extravaganza.
Then the real beatings began.
Anyway, from all of us here at The Ken Socrates World News Organization, Merry Christmas to all of our readers. Hope your Holidays are just as much fun as ours!
© Ken Socrates 2006. All rights reserved.
'Tis The Season
(For An Ass-Kicking)
